I am tired of all this sadness... I sound so serious in this blog! Actually, there are moments of grace, moments when I feel I'm directly standing under a ray of sunshine, and they are enough to allow me to weather the storm clouds that appear once in a while.
A friend teased me that I should just sing this song. She cheered me up and I ended up singing this in my head. LSS! Not Life in the Spirit Seminar... Last Song Syndrome!
Let me post the Karen Carpenter song that keeps playing in my head. You know this song. You can sing it with me. You can even close your eyes and think of that person you can't last a day without! Join me on my (in)sanity break and together let us declare...
I WONT LAST A DAY WITHOUT YOU (Carpenters)
Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
So many times when the city
seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near
If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you.
Wasn't that nice? I feel better already. :-) Thanks Gay! You live up to your name.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Truer Words Have Not Been Spoken Here
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
Achor means Trouble. This is from Hosea 2. I am in that desert, and I have this promise to hold on to.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
Achor means Trouble. This is from Hosea 2. I am in that desert, and I have this promise to hold on to.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Subic Adventure
My sister-in-law, Mommy P, has created a video of our family trip to Subic earlier this month. She really has talent in these things.
This video captures Luigi's first go-kart experience, with a voice-over from Mommy P and Tita Ella ("Si Luigi ba yung nag-overtake?" "Nag-overtake!!!"); Miko's signature five-second swim with matching erase-his-nose movement; Lolo's joy at being with his grandkids; etc. Heartwarming!
This video captures Luigi's first go-kart experience, with a voice-over from Mommy P and Tita Ella ("Si Luigi ba yung nag-overtake?" "Nag-overtake!!!"); Miko's signature five-second swim with matching erase-his-nose movement; Lolo's joy at being with his grandkids; etc. Heartwarming!
Now Playing: Power of Your Love
Sometimes an old song given a new twist delivers a fresh message. Power of Your Love
Hillsong United
Performed by Sr. Susay Valdez, rc
"Stand by Me Still"
Lord I come to YouLet my heart be changed, renewedFlowing from the graceThat I found in You.And Lord I've come to knowThe weaknesses I see in meWill be stripped awayBy the power of Your love. Hold me closeLet Your love surround meBring me nearDraw me to Your side.And as I waitI'll rise up like the eagleAnd I will soar with YouYour Spirit leads me onIn the power of Your love. Lord unveil my eyesLet me see You face to faceThe knowledge of Your loveAs You live in me.Lord renew my mindAs Your will unfolds in my lifeIn living every dayby the power of Your love.Hold me closeLet Your love surround meBring me nearDraw me to Your side.And as I waitI'll rise up like the eagleAnd I will soar with YouYour Spirit leads me onIn the power of Your love.
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love. Saturday, November 18, 2006
Hide Not Your Face
We tend to look at our role models and think they have it all made. They are happy, they are successful, they are famous, and they are loved. We, on the other hand, can’t seem to muddle through the mess we find ourselves in.
My role models at this stage are two magnificent people – a singing nun, who is my spiritual directress, and a writing priest, who pastors me in the parish and in our community. When I talk to them individually, I marvel at how single-heartedly they pursue the Lord and how they share their lives beautifully to those around them just by releasing God’s power in their very being. I doubt if they know each other, but I count them as two of my greatest blessings, for they both lead me closer to the Jesus whom they seem to know so well.
Not having a calling for religious life, I fail to apply what they teach me to my everyday because I draw imaginary distinctions between their ministry and mine, their vast audience/ influence and my small, sometimes possessive circles of friends, as well as their great roles and my trifling responsibilities. They are my living saints, but I refuse to live like them in every sense of the word, out of fear and more often than not, sheer stupidity.
As I found myself sinking deeper into this state of uncertainty, my voices of wisdom and compassion were somehow called by their respective ministries out of the country. And I, stubborn, slow student, was left to figure out what to do. I could not run to them to wait for them to spell out what God was telling me. I could not receive practical advice or hear freeing sermon. I was on my own, as I was supposed to be.
I could only hold on to my prayer time. Even then, I was afraid to be left alone with God. I had a Companion – a Catholic Scripture diary. I read other people’s reflections on Word Among Us. I had music – Jesuit, charismatic, Christian, even secular – to fill my ears. I could not journal regularly, afraid once more to write my tears down on paper, lest I form a lasting weapon that would poke at me whenever I look back at it.
A sister and friend asked me if I had spent time at the Blessed Sacrament to pour out my heart to Jesus. I bowed my head and admitted that I had not. She simply told me that her life-shattering woes were soothed every time she spent an hour with the Lord. Another sister asked me at another time what Jesus was telling me about my circumstances and my future, and if I had found a specific verse from Scripture to guide me. I had the entire bible – several versions of it, actually in my room, office and car, not even counting the immense biblical resources online – but admittedly, I had not allowed even a single verse to fully take root and bear fruit in my heart, to lift me up from uncertainty and take me to higher ground, where I would see how trivial, selfish, and pessimistic I was being on a full-time basis..
I am a sick woman refusing to be healed. I’m reminded of the man stranded on an island and praying fervently for God to save him. He refused every passing boatman’s offer of a ride, stubbornly waiting for God Himself to arrive in a chariot maybe and hopefully accompanied by lightning and thunder, not knowing that his Savior had already come, because He came not in the form expected.
Remove the scales from my eyes, Lord Jesus, and let me see you, and the wonders you are doing in my life. Let me not fix my eyes on reflections of you, for they could fail, disappear, and disappoint. Remind me that you alone are my constant companion, and I shall exist, nay, live, on the power of your love alone.
The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation
Psalm 27 (ESV)
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet [2] I will be confident.
4 One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire [3] in his temple.
5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
My role models at this stage are two magnificent people – a singing nun, who is my spiritual directress, and a writing priest, who pastors me in the parish and in our community. When I talk to them individually, I marvel at how single-heartedly they pursue the Lord and how they share their lives beautifully to those around them just by releasing God’s power in their very being. I doubt if they know each other, but I count them as two of my greatest blessings, for they both lead me closer to the Jesus whom they seem to know so well.
Not having a calling for religious life, I fail to apply what they teach me to my everyday because I draw imaginary distinctions between their ministry and mine, their vast audience/ influence and my small, sometimes possessive circles of friends, as well as their great roles and my trifling responsibilities. They are my living saints, but I refuse to live like them in every sense of the word, out of fear and more often than not, sheer stupidity.
As I found myself sinking deeper into this state of uncertainty, my voices of wisdom and compassion were somehow called by their respective ministries out of the country. And I, stubborn, slow student, was left to figure out what to do. I could not run to them to wait for them to spell out what God was telling me. I could not receive practical advice or hear freeing sermon. I was on my own, as I was supposed to be.
I could only hold on to my prayer time. Even then, I was afraid to be left alone with God. I had a Companion – a Catholic Scripture diary. I read other people’s reflections on Word Among Us. I had music – Jesuit, charismatic, Christian, even secular – to fill my ears. I could not journal regularly, afraid once more to write my tears down on paper, lest I form a lasting weapon that would poke at me whenever I look back at it.
A sister and friend asked me if I had spent time at the Blessed Sacrament to pour out my heart to Jesus. I bowed my head and admitted that I had not. She simply told me that her life-shattering woes were soothed every time she spent an hour with the Lord. Another sister asked me at another time what Jesus was telling me about my circumstances and my future, and if I had found a specific verse from Scripture to guide me. I had the entire bible – several versions of it, actually in my room, office and car, not even counting the immense biblical resources online – but admittedly, I had not allowed even a single verse to fully take root and bear fruit in my heart, to lift me up from uncertainty and take me to higher ground, where I would see how trivial, selfish, and pessimistic I was being on a full-time basis..
I am a sick woman refusing to be healed. I’m reminded of the man stranded on an island and praying fervently for God to save him. He refused every passing boatman’s offer of a ride, stubbornly waiting for God Himself to arrive in a chariot maybe and hopefully accompanied by lightning and thunder, not knowing that his Savior had already come, because He came not in the form expected.
Remove the scales from my eyes, Lord Jesus, and let me see you, and the wonders you are doing in my life. Let me not fix my eyes on reflections of you, for they could fail, disappear, and disappoint. Remind me that you alone are my constant companion, and I shall exist, nay, live, on the power of your love alone.
The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation
Psalm 27 (ESV)
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet [2] I will be confident.
4 One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire [3] in his temple.
5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
P.S. Obviously, this has become my Scripture of choice for now. Every word from this psalm, I shall continue to meditate on until the day when I can reach Psalm 30/31, where He turns my mourning into dancing.
P.P.S.S. Himig Heswita has recorded a sequel to their first venture into live recording, "Songs for Healing". It is an inspiring collection, "Stand by Me Still", and cut no. 4, "Power of Your Love", is my current theme song. Vocals by Sr. Susay Valdez, r.c.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Desolation
Something is not right. There is a long-standing imbalance that I cannot set right; a major inconsistency I cannot align; a tragic conflict I cannot avoid.
I stand in the middle and wonder how long I can wait. I know I should not make huge decisions when in desolation. From what I remember of the word "desolation" as described by St. Ignatius, I seem to be there.
Life is difficult. There is not one path that is easy. Nothing is attractive, or palatable, or exciting. Everything is risky and complicated. At this point. My passion has been challenged. My dreams have been tested. I still want to give, and to serve, and to share, that's true. I'm not about to up and take back my life and say it's "Me Time" from now on.
Maybe when the rain is gone, I can see more clearly. I should hold on until then. I know God's way is not this way - this, this is chaos. He can't be the author of this chaos. I shall not give in to pressure. Good is not good enough. I know who my God is. I know He created me, beautifully, carefully, purposefully. So I shall not waste this creation by being reckless, swinging to the other end all of a sudden, listening to the voices just to shut them up once and for all.
For this, too, shall pass. And faith, well it's the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things yet unseen, as defined by the author of the Letter to the Hebrews.
Sometimes, when dreams, and loved ones, and lies confuse us, we desperately need more faith. We just need more faith to remember that the Author of Dreams, He who is Love, the source of all truth and beauty, is on our side.
If God is for us, who can be against us?
I shall repeat that and other assurances from Scripture, until the day when the flood subsides, and I see a rainbow again. I know it's out there. My God promised me that.
I stand in the middle and wonder how long I can wait. I know I should not make huge decisions when in desolation. From what I remember of the word "desolation" as described by St. Ignatius, I seem to be there.
Life is difficult. There is not one path that is easy. Nothing is attractive, or palatable, or exciting. Everything is risky and complicated. At this point. My passion has been challenged. My dreams have been tested. I still want to give, and to serve, and to share, that's true. I'm not about to up and take back my life and say it's "Me Time" from now on.
Maybe when the rain is gone, I can see more clearly. I should hold on until then. I know God's way is not this way - this, this is chaos. He can't be the author of this chaos. I shall not give in to pressure. Good is not good enough. I know who my God is. I know He created me, beautifully, carefully, purposefully. So I shall not waste this creation by being reckless, swinging to the other end all of a sudden, listening to the voices just to shut them up once and for all.
For this, too, shall pass. And faith, well it's the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things yet unseen, as defined by the author of the Letter to the Hebrews.
Sometimes, when dreams, and loved ones, and lies confuse us, we desperately need more faith. We just need more faith to remember that the Author of Dreams, He who is Love, the source of all truth and beauty, is on our side.
If God is for us, who can be against us?
I shall repeat that and other assurances from Scripture, until the day when the flood subsides, and I see a rainbow again. I know it's out there. My God promised me that.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Charismatic Mass in QC
"It's the start of something new...." This line from one of the songs from High School Musical (a Disney made-for-TV movie, so famous that all the songs must be running through moms' and titas' heads as often as they do in mine) crossed my mind when Fr. Geoffrey told me that we're starting the first of many beautiful changes in our parish.
Every Sunday at 10 a.m., St. Benedict's Parish in Don Antonio Heights, Quezon City will celebrate a Charismatic mass. We are blessed to have the Missionaries of God's Love, a congregation of Charismatic priests from Australia, as our parish priest and assistant parish priest. Starting this Sunday, we shall spread the fire of God's love in a new way (at least, for Don Antonio mass-goers). Some of us from the youth group (yes I'm still serving in the youth group of the MGLs, thus I still qualify as youth) will serve as lectors and singers.
We expect that many people from the surrounding subdivisions would join us. Lingkod - Quezon City, hope to see you there!
Every Sunday at 10 a.m., St. Benedict's Parish in Don Antonio Heights, Quezon City will celebrate a Charismatic mass. We are blessed to have the Missionaries of God's Love, a congregation of Charismatic priests from Australia, as our parish priest and assistant parish priest. Starting this Sunday, we shall spread the fire of God's love in a new way (at least, for Don Antonio mass-goers). Some of us from the youth group (yes I'm still serving in the youth group of the MGLs, thus I still qualify as youth) will serve as lectors and singers.
We expect that many people from the surrounding subdivisions would join us. Lingkod - Quezon City, hope to see you there!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
DND: Do Not Disturb
I must be missing out on something important. I probably should be aware of the lesson by now, yet here I am still clueless. Other people tell me it's so easy and simple. Just do what, in their expert opinion, is best for me, and I will be happy.
It gets complicated when the world inside me and the world outside me are in such conflict that I get spiritual vertigo again. For me, temporary, external happiness is not the goal, but permanent, internal joy is. Success by now is not as important to me as faithfulness. To paraphrase Scripture, I do not need to gain the whole world, not even a small piece of it, if that means I lose my soul.
I do not impose my beliefs on anyone, but when it comes to my life, then I have every right to do what my heart tells me to. In hotels they have signs for guests to put on their doorknobs. One side of the sign says "Please Make Up Room", and this is the cue for the cleaning people to make the beds, take out the trash, and change the towels. This is the exception rather than the rule, for people who go to hotels desire privacy and deserve to rest. Most of the time, they put the other side of the sign, which says "Do not Disturb".
When I'm ready, I'll invite people to come in, look through my life, share their views and opinions, offer suggestions and options. But until further notice, or unless otherwise invited to do so, please do not disturb. If people have a compulsion to clean, I would suggest they go read another blog, or choose another person to make over.
I have the right to remain silent.
It gets complicated when the world inside me and the world outside me are in such conflict that I get spiritual vertigo again. For me, temporary, external happiness is not the goal, but permanent, internal joy is. Success by now is not as important to me as faithfulness. To paraphrase Scripture, I do not need to gain the whole world, not even a small piece of it, if that means I lose my soul.
I do not impose my beliefs on anyone, but when it comes to my life, then I have every right to do what my heart tells me to. In hotels they have signs for guests to put on their doorknobs. One side of the sign says "Please Make Up Room", and this is the cue for the cleaning people to make the beds, take out the trash, and change the towels. This is the exception rather than the rule, for people who go to hotels desire privacy and deserve to rest. Most of the time, they put the other side of the sign, which says "Do not Disturb".
When I'm ready, I'll invite people to come in, look through my life, share their views and opinions, offer suggestions and options. But until further notice, or unless otherwise invited to do so, please do not disturb. If people have a compulsion to clean, I would suggest they go read another blog, or choose another person to make over.
I have the right to remain silent.
Monday, November 06, 2006
In Subic, Where Another Dream Came True
Subic, November 2006, was when I witnessed a dream coming true.
Fortunately for him, he was deemed qualified to be a go-kart driver. Lola and lolo positioned themselves on the bleachers to watch. His mom and Tita Ella, with videocam and digicam in tow, were poised and ready to catch his every move, to be included in the family archives. His dad drove the go-kart behind him, and his brother Miko and Tito Ric trailed behind.
He was ready. For P300, he drove 10 laps with nary a scratch. He knew when to slow down - upon turning, and when to overtake. He started slowly and then at about the third lap, he stepped on it and drove smoothly. I was clicking the camera like crazy, unable to believe that the 9-year old boy was driving so perfectly. He smiled and waved everytime he passed the photographer's corner.
It was a relaxing weekend for all of us. We visited our relatives in Olongapo City, but we stayed at Bayfront Hotel. We walked along the boardwalk facing Subic Bay and listened to the bands playing at night. It was a safe place to be with kids, for even if people were drinking, there were a lot of policemen around the boardwalk area and entire families were eating on tables set out under the moonlit sky. Some kids danced on stage. Ice cream, hotdogs, pizza, siopao, and other fun food were laid out on stalls. I heard that the tiangge will continue up to next year.
The sem break, my vacation leave, and Tito Ric's trip is over. He is back to Germany, the kids and teachers are back to school, and I'm back to work. It was a good, albeit tiring, trip back to my hometown. We'll definitely come back for more of Subic.
Luigi was born with a passion for cars and driving. He could barely say our names when he was a toddler but he could always call out "Car!" and exclaim "Eng-eng! Eng-eng!" complete with the steering-wheel motion to show his favorite toy. He grew up watching race car drivers on cable and mastering computer games featuring virtual driving. The first time he ever rode the bump car, he was beside himself with joy. His milestones continued - first time to drive a bump car alone, first time to ride a go-kart with his dad, etc. When our family went on a short vacation to Subic last week, he hoped against all hopes that he would be allowed to drive a go-kart by himself. He felt he was tall enough.
Fortunately for him, he was deemed qualified to be a go-kart driver. Lola and lolo positioned themselves on the bleachers to watch. His mom and Tita Ella, with videocam and digicam in tow, were poised and ready to catch his every move, to be included in the family archives. His dad drove the go-kart behind him, and his brother Miko and Tito Ric trailed behind. 
He was ready. For P300, he drove 10 laps with nary a scratch. He knew when to slow down - upon turning, and when to overtake. He started slowly and then at about the third lap, he stepped on it and drove smoothly. I was clicking the camera like crazy, unable to believe that the 9-year old boy was driving so perfectly. He smiled and waved everytime he passed the photographer's corner.When it was over, he had a triumphant grin on his face. We all rushed to congratulate him. He said he was smiling inside his helmet almost all the time. I asked him how it felt to have his dream come true and he simply said that it felt good. He said, "My hobby when I grow will be go-karting!"
The next day, he was allowed to drive again, and he cut short his swimming to arrive early at the go-kart area. I asked if the first try was better than the second one. He said he liked them both. It was so cute to see him thrilled like that.
It was a relaxing weekend for all of us. We visited our relatives in Olongapo City, but we stayed at Bayfront Hotel. We walked along the boardwalk facing Subic Bay and listened to the bands playing at night. It was a safe place to be with kids, for even if people were drinking, there were a lot of policemen around the boardwalk area and entire families were eating on tables set out under the moonlit sky. Some kids danced on stage. Ice cream, hotdogs, pizza, siopao, and other fun food were laid out on stalls. I heard that the tiangge will continue up to next year.
We also witnessed fireworks in Olongapo, which only added to the excitement of our trip for the kids. Miko surprised us all when he showed us he could swim, after dropping out of swimming class last summer.
The sem break, my vacation leave, and Tito Ric's trip is over. He is back to Germany, the kids and teachers are back to school, and I'm back to work. It was a good, albeit tiring, trip back to my hometown. We'll definitely come back for more of Subic.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Malling in Asia
These are family pictures from our trip to Mall of Asia - the Hong Kong Disneyland plans that were changed to Enchanted Kingdom but finally ended up at MoA - last Sunday.
I'd like to thank Peeya, my sister-in-law, for this wonderful bubbly photo album.
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I'd like to thank Peeya, my sister-in-law, for this wonderful bubbly photo album.
This album is powered by
BubbleShare
- Add to my blog
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