I have wished, for many years now, to end my waiting - for God, for my career, for my state of life, for my finances, for happiness - but it is a futile wish, for the waiting ends only when I get to heaven. If I get to heaven.
Tonight I am experiencing a terrible sense of helplessness. I have been preparing for something for quite a while now, but earlier today I learned about a development that threatened to nullify all my preparations. It was not fair. It was totally unexpected. I worked hard for that, and there was so much at stake.
And then I prayed. I told God that I did not know anymore what to do, and His word to me was from Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." Oh, it was hard to be still. I wanted to take charge once more. I wanted things done my way, my time, my own pace. But it was very clear that nothing I could do could change the situation; I needed a miracle for my plans to work and the thing to be successful. I also needed to let go, and to consider that perhaps I would not succeed on this one, but this thought scared me and caused me to panic. It was at that point of helplessness that I recognized, once more, my dependence on God, and my own powerlessness.
Working apart from God had made me tired, weary, stressed, and sick. Without realizing it, I seemed to have forgotten all that I had learned about God's love and the way He usually worked in my life. I had wanted so badly to be a good witness for His greater glory, but instead, I slipped farther and farther away from Him, and weakened my faith in the process.
A friend of mine told me about the time when she went up a mountain, only to see everything covered in fog. Her companions encouraged her, being the only first-timer in the group, to pray that the fog would clear so she may behold the beautiful valley below. She prayed for God to remove the fog if it was His will; but said also that she would not mind not seeing the valley. When the clouds moved, partially at first and then fully, she saw what her friends wanted her to see below, and she praised God.
She told me that our challenges in life were that fog, and we were both being called to pray, and to trust, and to believe that God had our best interests at heart.
She believed before she saw. Tonight, I have three things that are not just foggy but are in total darkness. I want to give up but I have nowhere to go, but to stay, and to trust in the Lord. I will trust despite this fog. I will pray that His will be done.
If only faith were a one-time lesson, which we learn after a painful episode in life, and then apply over and over, without running out or faltering, for the rest of our lives. In my experience, however, answered prayers and unexpected blessings of before are easily forgotten as soon as a new challenge, obstacle, or difficulty comes along. It becomes a new test of faith all over again. If only I could, with each test, grow stronger in faith and sustain it much longer.
I will end this post by sharing this video, which a friend and brother shared with me after reading my Facebook status/ prayer. I cried when I watched it, because God heard my prayer, and spoke to me through the words, music, and images of this short video.