I'm Only Happy When it Rains

I'm only happy when it rains.  I'm only happy when it's complicated.

The rest of the song by Garbage is actually quite depressing, but I'm using it as my theme for this piece.  I've always liked the first two lines of the song, and the melody is quite catchy, although the message is actually not the theme of my life.

So why do I like it when it rains?  I already wrote about that in previous blog posts linked here.  There was a brother in Lingkod who used to call me Miss July, and ignoring any other meaning the world has put on calendar girls, I'd like to claim that in God's calendar, important lessons take place during this month, for me.  The July rains always bring about change, washing away all the accumulated dirt and grime, and sustaining the life that is sometimes dried up during the dry season.

I just came from a session with my spiritual director, Fr. Geoffrey Coombe, mgl.  I went there not knowing what to say, only prepared to admit what a mess I had been making of my life so far, but I left the chapel feeling light-hearted, hopeful, and, more importantly, aware of God's love for me.  This was a treasured feeling that I thought I had lost, so overwhelmed was I by the mountains before me.

He showed me that I was moving towards my authentic self and was growing bolder in letting go of my projected self.  He helped me identify what were the things that were blurring my vision of God the Father.  He guided me in deciding which battles were for today and which were for another day.  He also shared his lessons from his past retreat with me, and I was surprised to see how his experiences resonated within me, because he also struggled with some of my struggles.  

He said that I should appreciate moments of crisis because those are the times when I can see more clearly what is happening within me and when I could make the most important decisions of my life.  He encouraged me that even if I was in pain there was an end to the pain and all I had to do was to be vulnerable and raw before God, who was going to heal me, and who was speaking to my heart even while I had shut it out so I could function in the way I felt I was expected to the past few months.  

He has been part of my spiritual journey for the past four years and I am very blessed to have a guide and friend who is helping me listen to my heart, and to the Inner Voice of Love.  My image of God and my self-knowledge are growing and improving because of conversations with him and the others God has sent my way.  There are things I discover on my own but it helps to have someone who will listen, mirror, and validate these discoveries.

It's only the third day of the month and already, I am feeling the rush of blessings, in forms I did not expect.  Of course my concerns from last week are still there but once more I can say that my God is bigger than my problems, and I also have reason to celebrate.  I had dinner with officemates the other night, and dinner with parish friends last night.  I have spent more than a month with my mother, and I feel my siblings are very close even though they are scattered in different parts of the globe.  

All of a sudden, my failures don't seem that bad.  Gas prices, typhoon victims, financial worries, and all the usual fears can't pull me down.  I can think about happy thoughts, and it's ok.  I can dream of watching Cinderella starring my idol Lea Salonga.  I can plan to watch "Mamma Mia!" the movie featuring my favorite actress Meryl Streep.  I can dream.  I can hope.  I can pray.  I can believe.  Bring on the rain.

If this time of rain is about blessing, then the pain is not depressing.  I sing to my God, and I listen to His voice, for He meets me where I am.  He always does.

In Tagalog,

Tuwing Umuulan at Kapiling Ka

Words and Music by Ryan Cayabyab

Pagmasdan ang ulan,
Unti-unting pumapatak sa mga halama't mga bulaklak
Pagmasdan ang dilim,
Unti-unting bumabalot sa buong paligid t'wing umuulan

Kasabay ng ulan bumubuhos ang 'yong ganda,
Kasabay rin ng hanging kumakanta

Maari bang huwag ka na
Sa piling ko'y lumisan pa hanggang ang hangi't ula'y tumila na

Buhos na ulan, aking mundo'y lunuring tuluyan
Tulad ng pag-agos mo,
'Di mapipigil ang puso kong nagliliyab
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Pagmasdan ang ulan,
Unti-unting tumitila
Ikaw ri'y magpapaalam na
Maari bang minsan pa, mahagkan ka't maiduyan pa
Sakbibi ka't ulan lamang ang saksi

Minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka't h'wag nang tumigil pa
Hatid mo ma'y bagyo, dalangin ito ng puso kong sumasamo
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Maari bang minsan pa, mahagkan ka't maiduyan pa
Sakbibi ka't ulan lamang ang saksi

Buhos na ulan, aking mundo'y lunuring tuluyan
Tulad ng pag-agos mo,
'Di mapipigil ang puso kong nagliliyab
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka't h'wag nang tumigil pa
Hatid mo ma'y bagyo, dalangin ito ng puso kong sumasamo
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka.