Of Dragons That are Princesses

This is my 1,001st post. I have not written anything new for months. When you write for a living, and when you don't seem your private thoughts worth reading, you run out of words for blogging.

I may have borrowed these same words before, but I find they speak to me now, and of me:

How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses?
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage.
Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
So you mustn't be frightened, if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do.
You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall.

(From LETTERS TO A YOUNG POET by Rainer Maria Rilke)

As always, I do not attempt to interpret beauty. I will let these words envelop you, as they have done for me.

There is a voice inside my head whispering this. It is Vincent, from the soundtrack of "Beauty and the Beast: Of Love and Hope."

A Call to Prayer: For Priests and All Catholics

It is an interesting time to be a Catholic. The Church is on the news everyday.

As in all things heartbreaking, however, I had been unable to write about the spate of sexual abuse scandals, until now. Up until recently, the allegations of pedophilia had mostly surfaced in other parts of the world. I had the luxury of not knowing the accused. To my chagrin, I saw a familiar name in the news a few days ago.

I will not elaborate on that particular news item, as the Church authorities are taking steps to address the problem already, but I have been moved to express my thoughts on the recent scandals that are rocking the Roman Catholic church.

I won't be one to point an accusing finger. I know that I'm a sinner and that I belong to a Church which is run by men, not angels, and thus sinners like me. But I will not use this as an excuse for the transgressors' behavior. Despite the pain it has caused me and millions of faithful around the world, I have to thank the media for relentlessly exposing these issues because in doing so, they have forced the Vatican to review how they accept men into the priesthood, what kind of support they give to the priests, and what changes they must institute in order to insure that the abhorrent acts committed to children will not happen again. This includes the radical moving away from the silence and secrecy policy, when such is unnecessary.

Everyone's suddenly become an armchair critic, naturally. Some Atheists even want Pope Benedict arrested. Journalists, bishops, and priests have applied pop psychology and given their own opinions as to the source of the problem, whether it be homosexuality, or celibacy, or pornography. Non-practicing Catholics and people of other faiths and religions have blogged and commented lambasting the Church, the Vatican, the Pope, and the priests. For the past several weeks, I have tried to absorb as much as I can through Google Reader.

The faithful have defended the Holy Father, saying that contrary to accusations, he had taken concrete steps to address the problem of pedophilia. Many Catholics have defended why they have chosen to remain, and I laud all these efforts at finding solutions, and accepting the criticisms.

The timing is perfect, really. Last year, Pope Benedict XVI declared a Year of the Priests from June 2009 - June 2010, and at our parish, we pray for the sanctification of priests. Everyday. What we lay people must do is to continue to pray for them, for we should not forget the power of prayer. It cannot be a coincidence that just when we are stepping up our intercession for the priesthood, the enemy decides to go to the next level in attacking the church. In this fight, we know Jesus is on our side and that we belong to the victor.

Let us also pray that no more children be victimized, and no more women abused, by the very shepherds that are supposed to guard their flock. For all the victims, may they find justice, peace, provision, and healing.

This is what we recite everyday at the Parish of St. Benedict

Daily Prayer for Priests

O Almighty, Eternal God, look upon the Face of Your
Son and for love of Him, who is the Eternal High Priest,
have pity on Your priests. Remember, O most compassionate
God, that they are but weak and frail human beings.
Stir up in them the grace of their vocation which
is in them by the imposition of the bishop’s hands. Keep
them close to You, lest the enemy prevail against them,
so that they may never do anything in the slightest degree
unworthy of their sublime vocation.

O Jesus, I pray for Your faithful and fervent priests;
for Your unfaithful and tepid priests; for Your priests laboring
at home or abroad in distant mission fields; for
Your tempted priests; for the lonely and desolate priests;
for Your young priests; for Your dying priests; for the
souls of Your priests in purgatory.

But above all, I commend to you the
priests dearest to me, the priest who baptized me, the
priests who have absolved me from my sins, the priests
at whose Masses I have assisted and who have offered
me Your Body and Blood in Holy Communion, the
priests who have taught and instructed me or helped
and encouraged me, and the priests to whom I am
indebted in any other way.

O Jesus, keep them all close to Your Heart, and bless
them abundantly in time and in eternity. Amen.

I have asked the priests in our parish what they think about this. I know them to be faithful and prayerful priests, who struggle to remain faithful to their vocation. The priests in the news may give the priesthood a bad name, but let us not forget the thousands who minister to us and serve God sincerely and honestly. The priests I have talked to said that it is time for the Church to heal and grow, and we should weather this storm using prayer as a weapon, and we must put our trust in the Lord.

I think it is pointless to find someone to blame, for We, the people, are the Church. It is not just the Pope, or the Vatican, or the bishops, priests, deacons, and seminarians. We are as much a part of the solution. I join you in prayer, my brothers and sisters - for the grace to overcome these scandals with God's truth, justice, mercy, forgiveness, healing, and love.

What I Did For Love

Sometimes, I still want to do it all over again. I still want to do God's work full time. It's still in my heart. The desire is still alive, after everything that has happened.

Regular readers of this blog know that chapter in my life when I quit being a lawyer for a while to serve full-time in Lingkod. But that only happened for a period of two years, after which I felt the need to go back to practice my profession and earn a living.

Five years after making that decision, I am now involved in various ministries, albeit not on a full-time basis. What time I used to give to my trans-parochial community, I now give to our parish. Although still able to pray in the charismatic way, I now spend time in silence before the Blessed Sacrament more often than I used to. I continue to read spiritual books. I observe the liturgical calendar more closely because of my parish involvement, and have grown to draw peace and strength from these observances.

A friend from Lingkod pointed out that I am still a missionary at heart, and what brings me joy is to do God's work. In being part of the Lectors and Commentators, attending Scripture study, going to the BEC seminars, giving talks to the youth, counting the mass collection, participating in the prayer meetings, or talking to my co-servants in the parish, I have reached a different level in my spiritual journey, and I am grateful for where I am now.

This is the year of pruning and disciplining for me: less of the world, more of the Lord. Circumstances in my life prevent me from going out too much, or living a lifestyle of a single young professional without a care in the world. With more responsibilities at home and at work, my free time is best spent doing what I love the most. And I have discovered that going to parties, hanging out in noisy bars, and wasting time on frivolous (to me) matters no longer appeal to me. At least, I cannot afford to do them.

In my prayer time, I feel God calling me more deeply into a relationship with Him. Everything I do now is in pursuit of that. As for the people and events that do not fit my present situation, I believe there is a proper time for everything. Friends, if they are true, will understand and eventually go with the changes in tastes and preferences. Opportunities, well, they will come as long as I give my best to my job. I am not at all afraid of losing out or being left behind, just because my calendar is filled with work, errands, service, or sleep.

I can still do it - one day. But for now, I live each day with God, walking with Him, waiting for Him, listening to Him, and encountering Him in the people that I deal with, whether they are aware of it or not. This is another step in trying to please my Audience of One, and no longer the whole world. I am happy to note how love grows through time, and how in knowing myself more, I can love God more.

What I did for love, I can still do now, wherever I am, with whomever I choose. I am more confident in this, after the first experience of a radical lifestyle. I'm a little subdued now, maybe, as a factor of age. But guess what? I am so much happier.

On the Third Day, He Rose Again

Bells have been silent since midnight of Holy Thursday, only to burst in jubilant praise during the Easter Vigil when Catholics commemorate Jesus' triumph in the resurrection.

I walked with the Santo Entierro last Good Friday, together with my parents and friends from the parish. We did it prayerfully and joyfully. After hearing the Seven Last Words and attending the Celebration of the Lord's Passion, the one and a half-hour walk was invigorating, bringing into action what my heart was saying in response to the Love that God had shown. The procession was followed by the Tenebrae (the Office of Shadow and Darkness), where the priests chanted a memorial service for the Lord, and the lights in the church were turned off one by one, until all that was left was one candle symbolizing the hope that Jesus would rise again on Easter.

And indeed, He rose again on the third day. A chorus of hallelujahs burst from the earth, echoing the heavenly song as God fulfilled His promise of a Savior, who willingly died for our sins, and rose again to show victory over both death and sin.

In the coming days, I hope I could write what took place in my personal retreat during this recent Easter Triduum. I was moved to pray in a deeper way and to appreciate the depth and the breadth of God's Love for me.

Happy Feast of the Resurrection! Let us rise again because we have no more reason to stay in the darkness. Jesus' light is shining on us. It is a beautiful day. It is Easter Sunday.

By His Stripes We Are Healed

It is a Good Friday to remember what He has done for us: by His stripes we are healed.

Isaiah

Chapter 53

1
Who would believe what we have heard? To whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2
1 He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth; There was in him no stately bearing to make us look at him, nor appearance that would attract us to him.
3
2 He was spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity, One of those from whom men hide their faces, spurned, and we held him in no esteem.
4
3 Yet it was our infirmities that he bore, our sufferings that he endured, While we thought of him as stricken, as one smitten by God and afflicted.
5
But he was pierced for our offenses, crushed for our sins, Upon him was the chastisement that makes us whole, by his stripes we were healed.
6
We had all gone astray like sheep, each following his own way; But the LORD laid upon him the guilt of us all.
7
Though he was harshly treated, he submitted and opened not his mouth; Like a lamb led to the slaughter or a sheep before the shearers, he was silent and opened not his mouth.
8
Oppressed and condemned, he was taken away, and who would have thought any more of his destiny? When he was cut off from the land of the living, and smitten for the sin of his people,
9
A grave was assigned him among the wicked and a burial place with evildoers, Though he had done no wrong nor spoken any falsehood.
10
4 (But the LORD was pleased to crush him in infirmity.) If he gives his life as an offering for sin, he shall see his descendants in a long life, and the will of the LORD shall be accomplished through him.
11
Because of his affliction he shall see the light in fullness of days; Through his suffering, my servant shall justify many, and their guilt he shall bear.
12
Therefore I will give him his portion among the great, and he shall divide the spoils with the mighty, Because he surrendered himself to death and was counted among the wicked; And he shall take away the sins of many, and win pardon for their offenses.

Sitting with Jesus in the Garden

It is Holy Thursday, the start of the Easter Triduum.

I bow my knee.

I still my heart.

I read God's Word.

I contemplate His Son's Love.

There is no music that captures this time for me,

Only silence.

I know He is within me,

And my concerns are in His hands.

I lift up my eyes to heaven

and remember.

The sacrifice, the love,

My salvation, from Above.

Everything else is noise,

Distraction, unwelcome.

For now I remember Jesus' passion and death

And hope in His rising again.

He is inviting me

To sit with Him for at least one hour.

Jesus went to the garden,

and I will go with Him.

(Photo from this site.)

Raising the Bar

Good Friday or Easter Sunday? It would feel like one or the other for the 5,903 bar candidates later, once the list of passers is released.

Since I now work for the Supreme Court, I have the honor and the privilege of returning the favor of checking the names of my friends from the list. Kind souls did it for me 10 years ago. I did not have the courage to go to the SC until I knew for sure that my name was on the list. So somebody else had to check the list for me.

I have friends from the office, Lingkod, my alma mater U.P., and the school where I teach, Lyceum of the Philippines University College of Law, who took the bar examinations last September 2009. I am excited for them. I think I will cry if some of them do not make it.

My own bar saga is in this blog here, here, here, and here.

I lift my hands and pray for those who are waiting. I know the feeling. God bless.

For the Good Girls (and Boys) Out There

I recently came across a few book titles that had bothered me. One was entitled "Why Men Marry Bitches." Another one was "Good Girls Finish Last."

If the titles reflected the books' contents, then something inside me begged to disagree with the respective authors.

This topic would require a longer discussion on what I meant by "good girls", including whether I believed they were always the opposite of "bitches" (pardon the language), and why I was bothered enough and could not disagree more with the implications of the world's logic as summarized in said books and similar publications.

As a person who had tried to do the right thing all my life yet still failed miserably after having to confront my own palpable weakness (read: sinfulness), I wanted to prove the opposite - that "good girls" in effect actually finished "first". The problem was that it seemed, based on the world's standards, that here on earth, the good girls always turned out to be the losers.

Then yesterday, I came across this word from the Lord: "But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Mt 5:19b)

I heaved a sigh of relief. I was reminded of my conversation with a good friend a few months back, when I brought up this matter with her. She said that I should write a book entitled "Good Girls Finish in God's Time."

Ah, but I do no the time yet. I also need to research on and compile stories of real-life "good girls" (to be defined in full in the yet-to-be-written-book) who saw the fruits of their labors, and experienced how it was to choose God's way and to emerge victorious. These were concepts that were drilled in us in Lingkod, but my friend and I agreed that they had to be re-stated in more practical terms so that the doubt would be resolved in favor of obedience to God's will, over the pull of competing desires and wants.

For God's ways are not my ways. I know that. But do I always believe that? Have I actually experienced it? Am I willing to put my full faith in Him, despite my apparent successive failures and massive losses in the eyes of the world (and sometimes my own)?

The answer is not always yes. The book, once written, could be a powerful reminder of what it means to belong to God and to entrust my life to Him.

For I have not always been good.

The Road to Freedom

Sometimes, we surprise ourselves. We do things that are "out of character." We know what we're doing is wrong and yet we do it again. We can't help it, is our excuse. We are "good", we tell ourselves, so we don't believe what we are actually capable of doing.

Probably. But we always have a choice. We can choose to say no to the habit, or the addiction, or the sin, or the person. We can distance ourselves from the source of our misery bit by bit.

Our friends and family can only remind us so much. But we have to see it for ourselves - the mistake, the destruction, the wrongdoing. Only when we own up to our actions and face the consequences do we become free.

And then we'll see the light. Our loved ones were right. We have stepped out of the darkness, and we look back and say, "What was I thinking? Why didn't I listen to them? What took me so long?"

The season of Lent is a time of grace, especially for those among us who want to get rid of something that is bad for us, and to change our lives for the better. Let us walk in faith and grab this opportunity being given to us to walk in the light and to be free.

Our lives won't be perfect instantly, but we can become better people, giving up one bad habit at a time. Let us pray for and support one another in this quest.

We can heal faster than we thought. We can move on better than we thought. We just have to follow the example of Jesus - His obedience, perseverance, faith, and love. It may sound difficult but this is our call, and we will surprise ourselves at our progress.

Forty days of Lent. Forty days of grace. Then our Easter will truly be victorious. By God's grace, we can do it.

P.S., If you succeed in this endeavor, tell me about it. Write it down and share it.

Grace and Mercy

This has been a most challenging day for me, the kind that we all get once in a while.

During my prayer time this morning, several passages struck me, including the Gospel today, where Mark wrote this about the Lord: "He sighed from the depth of his spirit and said, 'Why does this generation seek a sign? Amen, I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation.'"

And this from the letter of James, which became my FB status for a while:

"But he should ask in faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind." (Jas 1:6, NAB)

Ask in faith. Don't seek a sign. I repeated this to myself over and over on my way to work. During the day, I had to face consequences of past mistakes, and to put myself at the mercy of others. If the letter of the law were to be applied, I would probably have been made to suffer more for my actions. I agonized over it the whole day, even as I went about my work and fulfilled my duties. I reminded myself to ask in faith, and to believe, not doubt. The wind would attempt to toss me about but I should remain steady.

Yet, guilt and fear gripped me. I was hard on myself, meting out the sentence already in my head. Then one word kept repeating in my head, as if whispered by a silent voice: Mercy. With mercy, I would not have to suffer the fate I was resigned to according to my own set of strict rules. I needed God's mercy. I needed to ask other people for mercy.

What did I do? I asked God for a sign. I always resort to this when my faith is at its thinnest, like it was earlier today. I begged God for assurance that He would show His mercy upon me and spare me from further pain.

He didn't have to do it, but God granted my request. I heard the word "mercy" from a friend tonight. I was shocked, and let the shock work through my little faith.

I would not know how to explain grace and mercy, but I have experienced it in my life. So many times, I deserved to be punished for misbehaving, but instead I had received nothing but kindness, goodness, and generosity.

Guess what, upon my return home and to FB, I saw this posted as the Word Among Us status:

How many are your mercies, O God - mercies yesterday and today, and at every moment of my life, from before my birth, from before time itself began! I am plunged deep in mercies - I drown in them; they cover me, wrapping me around every side. -Venerable Charles de Foucauld

This described my whole experience today. I was amazed; simply amazed. Despite the word not to ask for a sign, I still did. Even with my recidivism and habitual delinquency, I received pardon and mercy. The pill was not as bitter as I thought it ought to be.

If we were to use our human standards to judge ourselves, we would all perish. But God's grace is enough for us. Jesus' sacrifice has saved us. His mercy is from age to age; everlasting; abundant. These are not words I recite from memory, but are so real to me.

I do not deserve this, but I thank you, Lord. Thank you for letting me personally experience your grace and mercy, and for working through my little faith. Help me to remember all these tomorrow, and to focus on faith, grace, and mercy instead of fear, guilt, and pride. Amen.