The bar results came out a few days ago. I have friends who passed (Attorneys all - Aison, Nep, El and Karen G., mabuhay kayo!), as well as friends who did not make it.
The lives of all the 5000+ students who took the examinations last September 2005 would forever be altered. I should know. The new lawyers would alternate between heaving a sigh of relief and partying like there was no tomorrow, whereas those who remained to be underbar candidates would have a wound they might perpetually try to be healed of. Passing the bar on their second, or third (up to fifth- the maximum allowed) take might not even bring about the necessary healing. It could just cost them more - six months of review is expensive, especially if they are from the provinces. My heart goes out to them.
I believe in miracles; I believe this could cease to be a big deal for me one day. But for now, it's still there. A source of confusion, a break in an otherwise predictable and logical life that I had plotted. Yes, I had given up control of life to my God and am all the happier for it. Once in a while, though, like on nights that bar results come out, when dreams and failures abound in the legal community of which I am still at the periphery, I come face to face with my own questions.
If I had passed the first time, would I be a happy corporate lawyer now? Or would I have given in to the call to attempt a career at the judiciary? Would I be more confident of myself as a lawyer? Would I be more passionate about it, and be able to sustain an interest in it, enough to make a living of and thus be of service to others as a practicing lawyer?
I pray that each year, I would come close to an answer. I know my journey had been used by the Lord countless times to reach out to others who had undergone similar struggles. I do not doubt His wisdom; I count on this as part of His plan. However, I beg to be entitled to my recurring questions, as it guides me to gems of truth, which I discover a little of each year.
I was told that the Lord blesses and breaks us before we are "given away", like He did to the bread, like what Jesus went through. I had been blessed in life, true, but the matter of my being a lawyer that is my breaking continues to be a source of bewilderment and, at times, pain. I doubt if this poking around the wound is helping at all. Maybe not.
I send my congratulations to the 2005 bar passers. Job well done! And to those who have to wait a little while longer for their dreams, plans and goals to be realized, you have my prayers. You have my support. It is a difficult world you have been plunged into, but it is worth the journey. Give in to emotions, but put a cap to them. Decide on a day when you will stand up, pick up the pieces, and try again.
Pain is God's megaphone. He may be calling you to a deeper relationship with Him, and this is the only way to make you listen. It may take a lifetime, but someday, you and I will hear the music He is playing in our lives. He loves us just as much.