I had a productive weekend. I visited the dentist, got a haircut, did my laundry, brought the car to the shop. Still, I was restless. I knew then what I had to do. It was something I had put off long enough because my regular confessor was away. I had no more excuses. My heart was crying out.
Recurring sins have a way of creeping back. I thought that I was strong enough, but carelessly I fell into the same traps, until one day I started feeling bad about them. Worse, even though I tried to avoid it, I had also inadvertently hurt other people, because of my unconfessed, unrepented, sin.
I decided I needed the comfort of a strange priest, one who had never heard my stories before. I drove to U.P. hoping to make it before 7 p.m., and my prayer was answered. I had little time to prepare, although I already knew the things that were killing my conscience. Usually I wrote down what I wanted to say. It helped me make a steadier confession.
I knelt down and the unknown priest heard me. Pouring out how and when I did the things that I knew hurt Jesus unleashed my tears as well. The priest said I explained myself fully and sounded like a smart girl. In fact, listening to how I explained everything, he said I already knew the things that led to peace, and the things that led to destruction. I only had to choose.
I only had to choose. And it was something I had to do over and over again. Like getting up from bed, combing my hair, brushing my teeth, eating my breakfast, and driving to work. I had to choose Life. Choose Peace. Choose Jesus. Every choice I had made that drove me away from Him broke my heart even further. I knew I wanted to do as the priest said. I should use my head more often.
I stepped out into the night. There was a penumbral eclipse going on but I didn't know it then. I felt the evening breeze and heard music blaring from a distance - the Sunken Garden. It was the U.P. Fair and I was not even aware of it. I remembered the few times I attended it, and all the fun I had in my youth.
I had a choice - text people that I wished they were at the fair with me, or call up a friend who would support me in my decision to stay away from those people. I chose the latter.
Tomorrow is a day full of fresh choices. I am grateful for having been reconciled once again with my God. I can do all things now, as He strengthens me.