Monday, February 09, 2009

Peace Over Destruction

I asked God this morning to let me get to know Him again.  To start over.  To see Him revealed to me, personally.  

I had a productive weekend.  I visited the dentist, got a haircut, did my laundry, brought the car to the shop.  Still, I was restless.  I knew then what I had to do.  It was something I had put off long enough because my regular confessor was away.  I had no more excuses.  My heart was crying out.

Recurring sins have a way of creeping back.  I thought that I was strong enough, but carelessly I fell into the same traps, until one day I started feeling bad about them.  Worse, even though I tried to avoid it, I had also inadvertently hurt other people, because of my unconfessed, unrepented, sin.

I decided I needed the comfort of a strange priest, one who had never heard my stories before.  I drove to U.P. hoping to make it before 7 p.m., and my prayer was answered.  I had little time to prepare, although I already knew the things that were killing my conscience.  Usually I wrote down what I wanted to say.  It helped me make a steadier confession.

I knelt down and the unknown priest heard me.  Pouring out how and when I did the things that I knew hurt Jesus unleashed my tears as well.  The priest said I explained myself fully and sounded like a smart girl.  In fact, listening to how I explained everything, he said I already knew the things that led to peace, and the things that led to destruction.  I only had to choose.

I only had to choose.  And it was something I had to do over and over again.  Like getting up from bed, combing my hair, brushing my teeth, eating my breakfast, and driving to work.  I had to choose Life.  Choose Peace.  Choose Jesus.  Every choice I had made that drove me away from Him broke my heart even further.  I knew I wanted to do as the priest said.  I should use my head more often.

I stepped out into the night.  There was a penumbral eclipse going on but I didn't know it then.  I felt the evening breeze and heard music blaring from a distance - the Sunken Garden.  It was the U.P. Fair and I was not even aware of it.  I remembered the few times I attended it, and all the fun I had in my youth.  

I had a choice - text people that I wished they were at the fair with me, or call up a friend who would support me in my decision to stay away from those people.  I chose the latter.

Tomorrow is a day full of fresh choices.  I am grateful for having been reconciled once again with my God.  I can do all things now, as He strengthens me.


Anonymous said...

Hi Ella!

This is Edwin Cano...Kumustasa? Good to read your thoughts....
I am thankful that we are still in the RACE!!

God bless!

Ella del Rosario said...

Hi Tatay Ed! Kumusta na ang nangibang-bayan? Pupuntahan ko ang blog mo maya-maya...

I'm still in the race, but it's not always easy.

God bless you too!