I staged a personal strike against God last week. I deliberately toyed with a plan that I knew went against His will for me, because I felt like pushing it. I wrestled with God. Guess who won.
Some kind of spiritual virus I might have caught somewhere caused me to think that I could go ahead with such plan, and that God would still bless me for He cannot help Himself. And then, the classic elder son syndrome crossed my mind, "After all, He blesses even the disobedient, the sinful, and the selfish. I just want this little thing. It's harmless. Surely I don't have to be obedient and proper all the time."
Never mind what my plan was. I hardly had time to hatch it! I was still trying to justify why I wanted it in the first place, when I received an invitation to a healing mass followed by a concert. I found myself saying yes even if I wasn't sure what it was going to be about. When I got there, lo and behold, it was a concelebrated mass. And God spoke to me there.
He showed me that I was just setting myself up again for heartache and failure. He showed me that He wanted to prevent me from getting hurt again, and that He was not withholding anything good from me. He reminded me of His personal love for me as His daughter. It took me a while to process what He meant.
So He spoke again. I went to mass the next day, and the priest spoke about obedience. I looked up to the ceiling and told God, "Yes, Lord, I can hear you. I will obey you." During communion, the choir sang an old song - Here I am, Lord. It always speaks to me about responding to God's call. I had to smile despite myself. I can run; but I can't hide.
Yesterday, being a first Sunday, was my turn again to be Lector. I read during my prayer time what was assigned to Lector I. There I saw Isaiah's words, where the song came from, and where my lifelong response came from:
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying,
“Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?”
“Here I am,” I said; “send me!” (Isaiah 6:8, NAB)
I just don't know how to get there. My will is not yet in accord with His will. The How, I believe, shall be revealed in due time.