The good news is, I have a new spiritual director. I researched his background after a friend recommended that I seek out this gifted priest. I knew he would be a helpful companion in my journey.
It took me six months to gather the courage to approach him, though. I tried the Filipino thing and asked common friends to endorse me, as if that was necessary. Brothers and sisters kept telling me to just ask him if he would be my SD. How hard was that?
Turned out I was too scared and shy to ask for help, because I knew it was going to be difficult. I had accumulated baggage that needed sorting, and they were weighing me down. They had become familiar, and I was reluctant to let go of my spiritual band-aids and deal with the festering wound underneath. This was not a new revelation to me for I had previously entered this cycle of ignoring warnings and then dealing with snowballed problems.
Finally, one morning, as I was praying, I ran out of excuses. I needed to talk to someone, to be guided in looking at life in the eyes of faith once more. And I knew I could trust this priest with my innermost struggles.
He did not disappoint. I was not as transparent as I used to be, so it took me a while to explain the predicaments that brought me to him. I knew he understood me and got me when he said that I needed to be kinder to myself and not be harsh in judging my behavior. I told him how tired I was of pretending. As he was probing, I did not feel rejected. I felt accepted.
I saw the love of Jesus flowing through him, and said it out loud, that it took me years before getting a spiritual director again after the previous ones left the country because I thought nobody should worry about my little worries except myself. And then, sitting there, I remembered: Jesus cared. He cared for my guilt, He cared for my happiness, He cared for my sacrifices, He cared for my healing. I was running away, once more, from the Lord. The very love I needed, I hid from.
Many times I do not get what I want. But what I need, I always get, at the right time. God knew when and how to pursue me. This is a welcome rest for the weary.