Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Waiting to Exhale

I need a new life.

I'm wishing for a new car, as the one I'm driving is slowly deteriorating and is getting more and more expensive to maintain.  I can't afford to upgrade, however, so I just imagine myself winning in one of those raffles that I keep joining in supermarkets and gas stations.

I broke my digital camera and I'm wishing for a new one, which would allow me to take better pictures.  Cameras are so expensive, I found out, and I might have to wait a bit more for this wish to come true.  When I buy, I want the real thing, or nothing at all.

I have been tempted many times to get a new haircut, as that used to take away my blues.  Some good friends would object to this, I just know it.  For their sake, I have managed to refrain from getting my haircut fix.

I'm thinking for the umpteenth time of getting a foreign scholarship again, a telltale sign that I'm growing a bit restless, for I think of it as a surefire ticket to a whole new world. 

Deep down inside, I know I won't just fly away without a secure job or a generous scholarship.  It would be foolish to leave this country, this life, that I complain about so much, because I know I'd miss all these the minute I enter unfamiliar territory.

I need to shake off these thoughts.  I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I have a good job.  I just wish I were a little good at it.  Instead, it is, as it has been for several months now, a test of patience - not with other people, but with myself.

Some readers might ask, where is God in this picture?  Why have I not written about Him in this post, when surely He would have a say on my wishes and frustrations?

The truth is that I haven't had time to listen to Him.  I haven't been following my advice - of silence in praying and diligence in journaling.  I've been doing all the talking in my prayer time.

A new life He can easily give me.  Perhaps I just haven't allowed Him to do so.  I guess you can tell.  I'm afraid to listen.  I might not know how to respond if I hear Him again.

No comments: