I was crashing down by Friday but tried to keep it together. It didn't work. I snapped at everyone who was important to me and hated myself for it. I went to bed dog-tired and crying out for rest.
Then I had a dream - there was an important occasion, I was in a beautiful house, and all the people who had ever mattered to me - hundreds of them - were there. We were all celebrating and I was happy.
Then I woke up. I learned that Storm Signal No. 1 was up in Metro Manila. More like Signal No. 4, I said to myself, as I thought about everything I had to do today, this week, this month, and this year.
And then I turned to prayer. I could not understand the First Reading, as my heart was full of anxiety and worry. The Psalm did not ease my tiredness.
I stopped reading Scripture, and spoke to the Lord. I said I was sorry for all those times I insisted on my own way and depended on my own strength, even if I knew in my heart that He was leading me towards a different path and that He did not need me to be anyone's savior.
I opened my eyes to read the Gospel, and I was struck by what Jesus said, and knew He was speaking to me directly.
Jesus said to his disciples:
“No one can serve two masters.
He will either hate one and love the other,
or be devoted to one and despise the other.
You cannot serve God and mammon.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink,
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds in the sky;
they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns,
yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are not you more important than they?
Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
Why are you anxious about clothes?
Learn from the way the wild flowers grow.
They do not work or spin.
But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor
was clothed like one of them.
If God so clothes the grass of the field,
which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow,
will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’
or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’
All these things the pagans seek.
Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sufficient for a day is its own evil.”
I remembered that I had already wrapped my life around this truth. There was a time when I was not worried anymore about what I was to eat, to wear, or to drink. There was a time when I believed fully that God was taking care of my tomorrow. There was a time when I was serving God, and God alone.
How do I go back to that truth now? I am open to His leading. I am lowering my defenses again to His call.
Lord, may Your Word be fulfilled in me. Help me to put my trust in You again, not just for my life but for my loved ones as well. I have tried this before and the results were not as I expected. Help me to rely on You more. Amen.