I thought I was the only one who noticed that every time I had a scheduled session with my spiritual directress, heavy rains and floods would come. During the first session, I was late due to flash floods. On the second session, I had to cancel as traffic was at a gridlock caused by the sudden torrential downpour. Last night, my friend who had finished this retreat texted me that she prayed that it would not rain today so I could go to my second SD session.
I woke up to news that there was Storm Signal No. 2 in Metro Manila. I inwardly smiled at the Lord. Were my issues so bombastic that they had to be processed with a stormy background? When I arrived at the Cenacle, my SD greeted me with an observation that blessings must be pouring upon me because the rainy season was truly upon us.
I shared with her my struggles at beginning a new prayer pattern, my feelings of unworthiness, and my recurring distractions. I admitted being unable to accept that it was I that God desired. I was not sure if my desires were aligned to His. I could not move to follow Him. I could not open the door to my heart. I was slowly beginning to realize the things I had set aside from my decade-old personal relationship with Him.
SD said I am being honest and being myself. Just me. These things I bring with me are the waters where Jesus and I would swim during my RDL. This is the forest we would travel through, together. Despite the things I want to hide from Him, He still loves me. What could be more profound and unfathomable than this love?
I had other loves. Other desires. Other dreams. Yet I struggle now precisely because at my very core are values which God had firmly planted, and I want to clarify them and fight for them. Yes, despite the other pulls and tugs within my own rebellious and indifferent heart. What I really want is to be united with God, who is Love, bringing with me all my shadows and imperfections, all my sins and indiscretions.
SD gave me something beautiful - that RDL is a School of Freedom. For only when I am free of this old image of God that I have been holding on to would I create space for His love to grow as He wants it to, today. She said that if I let Him, God will set me free in this journey.
I thought I did not do well at all during the past week. But to be told that it was alright, that I could move to the next week, and that I was on the right track, left me pleasantly surprised. Excited? Not really, for I know the depths I have to dig through to uncover the things I had hidden even from my God.
Yet, maybe just a little bit hopeful. That I will find God if I seek Him with all my heart. Find Him again. Find Him knowing who I really am. Find Him, who never really left me, but from whom I have been running away.
NB: I am going through the Retreat in Daily Life. See previous posts for details. I will be writing reflections on the themes of my retreat for the next three months.