Thursday, July 30, 2009

Alive at 35!

My soul yearns and pines for the courts of the LORD. My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. (Ps 84:3)

I pray this prayer today, to have that longing and yearning come alive in me again.

I have been running and hiding from the Lord recently. Some of you may know that this normally happens to me and that I eventually find my way back, sometimes even on my knees. This has been a little extended chapter of hiding but I'm hopeful that I will recover. Ironic that this has happened at a time when He is showering me with blessings: my career is taking surprising turns, I have a proven set of lifelong friends, and my relationship with my family is as strong as ever.

With God, I am again a petulant child sulking because my plans did not push through and I did not get what I wanted, when I wanted it. I focus on that, rather than the roomful of toys (blessings) that He has given me. I'm getting tired of this sulking, at last.

Some people are born privileged and grow up getting their way in everything, and later on in life realize that they have to give more of themselves, back to God, through His people. My journey is a little more complicated, for I had a conversion experience in my teens, and in my twenties, attempted to be the paragon of service and selflessness. Until I found myself in pieces, tired, and badly in need of rest. So I did rest.

Then it became more difficult to pray, to listen, to wait. The shadow of my former self threatened to negate all my years of renewal. It happens to everyone. It happened to me. So I hope that in time, I will find that balance between faith and good works. And that I will talk and listen to God again, like I used to, for He has not changed, but I have. May I learn to accept that He loves me despite who I have become.

This lesson of accepting God's love reaches new levels every time I encounter it. Love is indeed the greatest of these, and the most powerful. I pray that love enters not just my mind, but my heart as well.

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