Lately, however, I have seen the blessing of having too many things to think of (read: worry about). It has taught me to let go and let God.
I was out last night with some friends after our prayer meeting was canceled due to heavy rains. I felt bad when I arrived after two hours of traffic to find an empty, dark church. Where was everybody? Not only were cars and people delayed for the prayer meeting, text messages also arrived late.
It was my last day at work and one thing that had kept me going was the thought that I was attending a prayer meeting afterwards. My officemates had invited me to a drinking session but I declined. I wanted to be spiritually nourished. I felt exhausted, as if I had swam a great ocean and I was on the last few laps.
I was supposed to pray, sing, listen, and share, and let my hair down in the process. But there was no opportunity for that. A friend of mine also texted that she was stranded outside our village due to the pouring rain. I went to get her, and then we finally caught up to where the others were. They had already finished dinner.
I told them, "Next time that I am in transition, please don't cancel a prayer meeting." I could see their logic. They apologized. I had forgiven them, but still I was not my usual self. I was spaced out.
Fr. B asked how he could help me and what he should pray for. I shared with him that I was going through several major things all at the same time, and thus I had not focused on any one concern. Perhaps one pain was shielding me from the full impact of another. Perhaps they were sent at the same time to cushion the blow. I was forced to take it one day at a time and to deal with my challenges in the order of urgency. As a result, I did not dwell too much on the goodbyes and the pains and the hurts.
"Wake me up when September ends", the song goes. This had become literal for me again. I imagine a September when I would have less worries. And a December 2010 when I would be reunited with my whole family again and we would celebrate many occasions.
For now I get by through knowing that nothing is within my control, and I just have to go through this. It was my last day at work yesterday. For the next few days maybe I can deal with everything else aside from work. And that means I have a whole truckload of things to think about. And pray about.