So much for a career change before the year ends. I don't think I'm going to relocate from QC to Makati after all. I don't think it's going to work out with The Company. When they call again, I would have to turn them down.
Part of my restlessness in the office sprung from the lack of opportunities for financial growth. I'm in a dead end job already, as there's no more room for promotion within the next seven years, at best, and for life, at worst. Working for the government requires me to chew on my ideals to sustain me from one payday to the next. I know I'm being taught to live simply. I can't even engage in any sideline, as practice of law outside of the office is strictly prohibited for court attorneys. I've had to train myself not to think of any rewards here on earth while I do what I do. I can't even write about what I do because it's confidential! For my personality, this takes a lot from me.
I took this job for good reasons. This allowed me to serve the Lord more, which is my source of happines. I've been spared from private practice that was causing me too much misery anyway. I was given a concrete chance to fight graft and corruption. I wanted this. I was happy and content before.
As a friend would say, the cloud has moved. I've started to notice little things that irritate me. I've started to search for things I knew I would never find - like a regular supply of post-its and highlighters from the government. Worse, I started to compare myself with my peers from college. Because they started working when they were 21, most of them are now successful and/or happily married. Since I started working only in 2000, I've lagged behind everyone I knew. Everyone.
Measuring my life in the meter stick of the world, no wonder I've found myself wanting more. This wasn't my usual measuring stick, however. I know God measures our lives in love.
I just came home from a prayer meeting, and our speaker talked about Inheriting God's Kingdom. She said that Jesus calls us to do His mission. I thought to myself, I feel like a missionary, serving in Lingkod and working for the government. And then she said that Jesus never assured us that it would be easy. She said that He already told us to prepare for the worst, and her exact words were, prepare for a measly salary. I wanted to raise my hand - that would be me. She said, prepare to be disappointed, frustrated, and hurt. Jesus did not invite us to a life of luxury, but to a life of challenges. I was reminded that I answered a call to follow Jesus, and yet I started counting the cost. I started complaining. I started comparing. I was miserable because I lost sight of who I was following, and where He was leading me.
Growing up in a Franciscan school, I've prayed with St. Francis :
Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury your pardon Lord
And where there's doubt true faith in you.
O spirit grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
to be loved as to love with all my soul.
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.
Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all that we recieve
And in dying that we're born to eternal life
Thank you for reminding me once again, Lord, that I am where you want me to be at this time. Tame the stormy seas within me that long for treasures here on earth. Nurture in me the desire to reap my reward in heaven, my home, where you and I will be together forever. Empower me to survive this difficult path that I have chosen to take, and remind me to recognize joy where your joy is sprinkled, in my otherwise challenging world.
Dearest Lord, teach me to be generous
Teach me to serve You as I should
To give and not to count the cost
To fight and not to heed the wounds
To toil and not to seek for rest
To labor and ask not for reward
Save that of knowing that I do Your most holy will
I put my trust in you, Lord. I know you can read my heart.