Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Quitting my Whining

After watching Bruce Almighty on a huge screen underneath the moon and the stars, I felt sad. It was not my first time to see that film and I was not simply taking it too seriously. It was something more. I texted a friend and she said that the Jennifer Aniston praying/crying scene always made her sad.

I recalled that scene and realized it was not what caused my sadness. I connected more to Bruce himself and all his questions at God, ashamed though I am to admit it. When I first saw that film I disliked the way Bruce abused his thin slice of God's omnipotence. Tonight I saw myself in Bruce.

He had a job and someone wonderful who loved him very much, but he could not sit still and enjoy what he had. He wanted something more from God, all the time. Whenever he did not get what he wanted, he blamed God, and he had mean words to say.

I did not use similar accusatory language against God but whenever I whined and complained, I came close. I could relate to Bruce looking up, putting on imaginary gloves, and provoking God to smite him. I could relate to Bruce saying God is not doing his job because He was not fixing his life, something he accused God of being able to do in five minutes, if he wanted to.

I was no better than Bruce Almighty at creating my own pity parties and forgetting my blessings. I sat down to talk to God and say sorry for all the times I doubted Him. The picture painted in my head of how I looked every time I complained was unbearable and so un-Christ-like, yet I knew I was guilty of that.

At the back of my mind I was still waiting impatiently for God to answer all the questions I had about my life and my future. I was still holding my breath for the day when I would see the sun shining brightly. I might have been busy with many things the past few weeks but I just set aside the battles that had wounded me before. The wounds won't heal by being ignored, I know. If there was a better way, I hope I could find out soon.

I don't want to be ungrateful for God's love. I do believe in it even through these clouds. I know that by the end of this week, and on Easter, my heart shall rise with my Savior, and what seems dark shall become bright once again.

No comments: