I shared it with some people who all encouraged me that things were not as bad as they seemed. To me who had to suffer the consequences of that person's decision, it almost made me feel hopeless. The only thing that kept me sane was the thought that nothing was impossible to God. He could turn any boat around. He would not let me drown.
It was one of those days when the world seemed too big to conquer, when nothing I did seemed enough, when little steps towards growth and progress were negated by huge mistakes that made me fall down - big time. I remembered all the things I was supposed to be doing but never got around to accomplishing, and guilt washed over me again.
As a Christian, I reminded myself that I should not be so depressed. God will make a way. He must have seen my efforts. He must know how hard I tried. My heart was an open book to Him. He was the only one I could lean on, who could completely understand how lost, alone, and scared I felt.
Perhaps others would not be able to tell that I didn't have anything figured out. I emceed our company anniversary last week and even performed. I served in our parish ministry for several hours last Saturday. I created PowerPoint presentations of the songs for mass and the gathering. I was happy to be with my loved ones over the weekend. Those memories should be enough for this very challenging week.
I don't know if I'll survive this one. I was playing injured, to begin with. If ever I do wake up one day with the clouds gone, I would be more than glad to proclaim God's victory in my life.
For when we reach our human limitations, and things turn out fine, then we know that God was at work all along. I am glad for my powerlessness and helplessness, then, for they cause me to see God at work in me. Sometime ago, St. Paul already went through his thorn in the flesh, and he shared his discoveries:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 For the sake of Christ, then,
I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships,
persecutions, and calamities.
For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12, ESV)