Friday, March 17, 2006

Too Much for One Heart

I don't know how I ended up mismanaging my time again. Despite all efforts to plan ahead and to be efficient, I found myself with activities all crowded at Quadrant I (classified Urgent and Important) once more! Back pains, headaches, and eyebags tell me that I have succeeded in reuniting myself with stress and pressure. How is it that new projects/ errands/ requests/ expectations come raining, and people seem to believe that each one is Urgent and Important, and I'm supposed to tackle them with "priority" marked all over them?

I thought I said "No" already to roles I could not handle anymore, but it seems that I have a tendency to attract busyness. This time I need more than caffein to survive, I need grace, and I should remember that God's grace is sufficient for the work He wants me to do. I'm not just busy with work in the office, but my personal life is stretching me to the very limits of loving and giving. Dying to self has become a regular exercise, for the more that I prefer to stay in my little world in my room, the more that I am pushed beyond my comfort zone in relating to people and understanding their decisions, however unbelievable for me.

I'm blogging instead of working because I'm tired. I want to sleep and to get a relaxing massage tomorrow but both are luxuries I cannot afford.

Perhaps I want to accomplish too many things. Perhaps I don't know how to protect my personal space anymore. Or perhaps because I'm working full-time in a non-corporate, non-government setting, people around me have changed their expectations. Or perhaps, and this is the most likely theory, I packed too many goals and want to realize them all at the same time, and I project this to others - so they respond in kind, by demanding that I deliver on my self-appointed goals.

I don't even have time for sufficient introspection to figure this out. I'm bound for another sleepless night due to work, and the weekend does not promise to be relaxing because of all these worries from all fronts.

I need to remember vacations from months past - to hold on to visions of Bohol, Boracay, Disneyland, Punta Fuego, Fontana, Baguio, Tagaytay, Grand Canyon, San Francisco.

One thing I need is to run to God. Is this really how He wants me to spend my time? Which tasks do I really need to prioritize, and which could I say no to? Which relationships could survive my temporary absence, and which need to be worked on? How do I handle people who think I am never there for them, even if I give them quality time? Did I leave my job to serve God, or to serve others? Have I been so stubborn and proud in accepting assignments, and was I blind to opportunities to say No? Why do I feel this constant pressure, is it mine alone, or is it real, and what shoudl I do about it?

I wish my personal life would be quieter so I could focus on my work, but no, it's on hyperdrive. I want to go on an individual silent retreat for eight days. Or to go to the beach alone.

Lord, please hold me together, I think I'm about to have a system breakdown. Please give me courage, strength, energy, wisdom, and inspiration. Thank you.

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