To Forget What I Regret

It is far better, in a sense, to just move on with life, forgetting the past and all the people who have hurt us. After all, we are doing ourselves a favor by moving on.

We have selective memory with regard to the people whom we have hurt. We must have instinctively shut off those episodes of our lives wherein we did things we eventually ceased to be proud of.

Sometimes, however, the past catches up on us and we wonder if we have ever really moved on.

We seek wisdom, strength, grace, maturity. We desire to become better persons and live our lives accordingly. But we each of us carry within wounds that refuse to heal completely.

Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe it's a concern particular to me because of my stubborness. I have allowed many issues to fester, and when certain people resurface, the memories come to life like dry bones finding flesh.

Sometimes I succeed. I’m brave and grownup and mature. I did the right thing with that situation, thank you very much, and I’m so over it. Yeah right. But once in a while, a gnawing feeling arises and a little voice in me asks, Yes you did the right thing but how come you let others get away with it? Why were you such a martyr? And I walk around with a mountain of regret and resentment and find that I want to blame everything on God who allowed it to happen.

For all those times when I was at fault, oh, I still carry a huge block of regret! If only I didn’t wear my heart on my long sleeves so much, and if only I were not so blind and gullible, and if only I could take back what I said or did.

Once during confession I told the priest that I had been struggling with certain people with whom I had a falling out with. I was told, patiently, that faith means I should trust that God is in control of that situation, and that I should stop obsessing about my mistakes once I have confessed them.

When I look back at how I was as a person before I took my personal relationship with God seriously, I am amazed at how God chose to find the diamond in the rough. Nights like this one, I still have trouble finding the sparkle in me.

Faith means believing that nothing is impossible with God – that relationships are healed, and broken self-images are restored. Hope means trusting in a happy ending no matter how bleak the circumstances are, no matter how stubbornly we cling to the patterns of sin and weakness that have so become our comfort zone.

And the greatest of these is love.

To love means to accept that God loves me, to return to Him that love, and to let Him share that love we have to others. Now if only human beings were not involved in this matter, it would be a whole lot simpler.

Lord, let me trust, let me hope, and let me love again – in the sense that you want me to. In you.

Long Qeue, Short Interview

I have suffered through some painful rejections in life, and after having heard about horror stories of single Filipinos during US visa application interviews, I was a bag of nerves this morning.

Months ago, I had already booked our interview through the US visa assistance hotline. My parents' 10-year multiple entry visa expired early this year so they applied for a renewal as they want to go on vacation this December. They encouraged me to apply as well, but I was extremely hesitant at first because 1) I don't have the salary to show for it; 2) I don't have shopping money (or Broadway play money; or Disneyland entrance money); and 3) I don't want to have a record of a denied US visa application in my passport. However, since I had nothing to lose, I decided to obey my parents. There's a lineup of things I could do if I get the denial - e.g., enjoy Simbang Gabi, party for weeks here at home because I would have no parents for a while, go caroling again, etc. I was as detached from it as I could be.

We spent some time and energy collecting proof of links to the Philippines, especially for me who had never applied for a US visa before. My relatives in the US, especially my sister, were very supportive as they all wanted me to visit them, finally.

The day of the interview came. We were advised to arrive one hour ahead of schedule. We arrived even earlier than that, but ended up being interviewed close to three hours later. Hunger, thirst, and sunstroke almost got to us. We had to line up for: 1) entrance; 2) conveyor belt for belongings; 3) pre-assessment of application form; 4) pre-assessment of documents; 5) fingerprinting; 6) interview proper. The seventh qeue was reserved for those given their visas - located at the Delbros counter for the passport delivery service.

It was a Lesson in Waiting, big time. While waiting for the consul to call us, I had the chance to speak to God in my heart. I told Him that I knew He wanted me to live a simple life, and if the US trip would hinder His plans for me, then I would accept the denial. While lining up for finger printing, I had a strong sense from Him, "I am a God who could take you to places. Nothing could hinder me from opening doors for you."

Did I believe that it was God's promise for me? I was too tired to tell. I just convinced myself that I wasn't at the mercy of the consul, but at the mercy of my God. I prayed three Our Fathers, Hail Marys, and Glory Bes before our number was called. The lady who interviewed us looked really friendly. In fact, upon seeing the way she related to the other interviewees before us, I prayed to God that she would be our consul. It was an answered prayer.

Consul: "Ok, how are you related to one another?"

Ella: "They are my parents."

Consul: Where do you work?

Ella: I'm a lawyer, and I work as a corporate secretary for a foundation.

Consul: Thank you. How about you sir?

Papa: I'm a consultant for a bank.

Ella: He's also a lawyer.

Consul: That's good. And you, ma'am?

Mama: I'm a piano teacher.

Consul: That's nice. I used to play! But I'm sad because I cannot play anymore. It requires lots of practice.

Mama: Yes you should practice.

Consul (looking at me): What is the purpose of your trip?

Ella: We're attending my sister's graduation.

Consul: From what university is she graduating?

Ella: She's graduating with a Ph.D. in molecular biology from Arizona State University.

Consul: Wooowwww....

Ella: I know... Wow.

Consul: Well, Congratulations to your sister. I'm granting you tourist visas.


I couldn't believe it, and neither could my parents. We were armed with a thick folder of supporting documents. I rehearsed arguments in my head to prove that Lingkod is something I'm passionate about and would be my main reason for going back to the Philippines. It turned out we didn't need them. God heard our prayers.

While eating Crispy Pata and Sinigang na Tiyan ng Bangus at nearby Barrio Fiesta shortly after, my father said, "I told God that I don't have to get a visa, but asked Him to grant one for Ella." He's extremely happy that God was even more generous than that.

When we lined up the seventh time today to pay for our passport delivery via Delbros, we looked much better - relieved, elated - than we did a few hours before. We tried to analyze why we were given a visa so quickly, but knew there was no logic to it. People who had flown back and forth from the US were later on denied their visas. It was something totally out of our control, but fully in the hands of God.

It's something beautiful to cap a pretty eventful year for our family - with a CCP piano recital for my Mama, sis-in-law, and their students, including my nephews, featured at newspapers; balikbayan relatives from both sides of the family; my brother's wedding - an unforgettable event for us; arrivals and departures, hellos and goodbyes; my going off to volunteer mission work after Sandiganbayan (milestone for me, shock for family); my brother's job in Germany and Celeste's new life as a housewife from being a Citibanker; my brother's TOYS award; my kuya's new internet business; the kids' first flight on the airplane to Cebu; lakwatsa at Singapore/Malaysia with Peeya, Mama and the Punsalan Travel & Tours; my Ate's new job at Apple Computers; and the list goes on.

I have much to be thankful for. This is going to be a special Christmas.

See you soon, Mel. I'm excited to conquer Disneyland, Universal Studios and the Grand Canyon with you.

Quote from Pope Benedict XVI

And only where God is seen does life truly begin.

Only when we meet the living God in Christ do we know what life is.

We are not some casual and meaningless product of evolution.

Each of us is the result of a thought of God.

Each of us is willed,

Each of us is loved,

Each of us is necessary.

There is nothing more beautiful than to be surprised by the Gospel,

By the encounter with Christ.

There is nothing more beautiful than to know Him

And to speak to others of our friendship with Him.



-- Pope Benedict XVI

The Grace of Fulfillment

There was an email message that I received before stating that "Your Work Should be Your Vocation". I could not accept it then but I had a major difficulty in finding where God was in the picture when it came to my previous work. I eventually set out to look for work that could make my heart sing and would show my place under the sun. That was what my heart yearned for, ultimately.

I have found my present vocation because the way I see it, working for Lingkod Office is working for the Lord. I knew I had it in me to work overnight if necessary, to come to work on time, to find joy when I wake up in the morning, to look forward to seeing my officemates, and to take delight in the little and big things I have to do regarding work, so all the time I endured law practice I was not being the best person I could be. I'm not discounting the possibility of my being called back to practice my profession or at least work in a corporate setting, but for now this is clearly an answered prayer.

Sure I get tired and frustrated more because I'm wearing my passionate hat more often now, but I go to bed at night fulfilled, and it matters a lot to my overall happiness. I just love what I do, hard though it may be to explain it. I tried to describe all the things I was busy with and my mom said that everything sounded like a nonstop extracurricular activity! She could not see the curriculum, and I don't blame her, for it is still being defined.

As I take on roles that challenge me to be forbearing, patient, proactive and firm, I know that my character is being molded and I find peace there.

Joy abounds in our workplace, despite the tension brought about by frantic activities for the upcoming National Leaders' Training Conference and the release of new projects of the Fund Development Team. The bond shared between brothers and sisters who have set aside their careers in order to serve full-time is beautiful to experience.

I'm only beginning to see the many reasons to smile despite the pressures and adjustments that I go through. The Chairman of the Board of Lingkod, Tito Eddie, had this to say to me after I updated him that there are still many things I'm not used to in my new job:

"“Rejoice in trials!” You should be so lucky as to expend all your energy in direct service to the Lord’s church. Some of us have to struggle to look beyond and within to find the Lord whom we serve. ;-)

After reading that, I looked at my challenges as blessings once more. So life isn't perfect and I'm the most imperfect being of all, but to know I'm where I'm called to be at this moment reduces all doubt and fills me with strength.

Sometimes it only takes a remembrance of where we were led out from in order to be full of hope and anticipation for where we have been promised we would go to.

Blogging with Word

I downloaded Blogger for Word and I love using it! I can type, format and edit using Word. More fonts and better spelling checker! Try nyo. Hindi naman ako binayaran para sa plugging na ito.

"Seven" from and for Joni

It took me a week to find time to blog-hop so this reply to Joni's tag is one week late. Joni this is just an updated slumbook and the fact that we're answering the questions means we like to think like we're still in high school sometimes... =) I'm trying to unwind after an unbelievably exhausting week so please bear with this. If you're looking for the usual dose of mala-Daily Bread reflections, sorry no power to do that at this time. :D

Seven Things That Scare Me
1) Snakes
2) Driving alone near old houses on a full moon
3) Addressing a group of people who have high expectations
4) Presenting a witness on direct exam (hence, goodbye litigation)
5) What happens if I miss a deadline? I have died several times over.
6) My loved ones getting sick ... or just plain losing my lovedones
7) Saying goodbye and letting go

Seven Things I Like The Most (not in the same level of like ito ha)
1) The Bible
2) Music
3) Cellphones
4) Internet
5) Coffee
6) Books
7) Chocolates

Seven Random Facts About Me
1) I'm not fond of rootbeer
2) When eating out alone, I savor it and even order the works.
3) I get bored with repetition and monotony (who doesn't?)
4) I used to be Model Girl for my freshman class at Manila Science High School... hah!
5) I failed the bar the first time that I took it... 1999.
6) I dream of owning a violin and I don't need to learn to play it.
7) I used to be a Menudo fan! :))

Seven Important Things In My Bedroom
1) Prayer Time effects - Bible, Daily Scripture Guides, Journal, Pen, and Music (guitar/Cd player)
2) Alarm Clock
3) Mirror (I like to reflect a lot eh)
3) Mini-library
4) Bed
5) Lamp
6) Closet
7) Electric Fan.

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
1) Publish my book
2) Have my own column
3) Visit Europe
4) Go to Disneyland
5) Take my vows (hmmm...)
6) Have a healthier lifestyle
7) Rid myself of stress.

Seven Things I Can Do
1) Write
2) Type
3) Sing
4) Dance
5) Drive
6) Swim
7) Talk

Seven Things I Can't Do
1) Leave the house without a wristwatch
2) Play ball
3) Paint
4) Color within the lines
5) Fly an airplane
6) Speak French
7) Have a child with blue eyes. My Ph.D. (well, almost) scientist/reasearcher younger sister Mel says it's genetically impossible. Sayang!

Seven Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex (i-publish daw ba ang essentials)
1) Leadership qualities, so easy for me to submit
2) Highly intelligent
3) Excellent communication skills (this list is beginning to sound like that for requirements for a job opening...)
4) Boyish looks - (mukhang totoy pero hindi totoy!)
5) Strong faith in God
6) Sense of humor that I appreciate
7) Musically inclined

Seven Things I Say The Most
1) I'm sure...
2) I hope...
3) I know...
4) Hindi siguro...
5) Tama ba naman yun.
6) Naks.
7) God bless.

Seven Celeb Crushes (whether foreign or local)
1) Brendan Fraser
2) the late John F. Kennedy, Jr.
3) Christian Bautista (hehe dati... saw an episode of Kampanerang Kuba at nawala crush ko bigla)
4) Ben Affleck
5) Gary V.
6) Aidan Quinn
7) Benjamin Bratt

Seven People You Want To Take This Quiz
1) Honey
2) Myra
3) Pie
4) marlon
5) Belle
6) Peeya
7) Chard

Finding True Joy

“The key to true joy is obedience to the Father’s will and conformity to Christ’s life, as closely as possible. The saints found true joy in serving Christ because they desired to suffer with Him.” – Steve of Canberra.

As my resource person for tomorrow’s Lingkod prayer meeting lectured me about his friends Francis of Assisi, Ignatius of Loyola, Therese of Lisieux, Ignatius of Antioch, and Teresa of Calcutta, I listened and took down notes, becoming all the more convinced that those saints were really set apart and holy for they desired poverty over riches, contempt over praise, and humility over good standing. Yes, some of them would probably have been kept in an asylum if they had been alive during our time, for they embraced a way of life that was totally out of this world. So out of this world, that I’m sure they’re all in heaven now, praying for us that we make it too – not to be canonized but to merely be victorious in our little battles. This blog is teeming with such struggles in the little world that I live in. Wish that I could make friends with the saints as well.

The way of the Lord is the exact opposite of the call of the world, and the more I ponder about it, the more I understand why I struggle and wage war against myself a lot. My conscience pulls me in the direction God wants me to take, but unfortunately I am not cut out of the same bolt of cloth, it seems, as the saints were. It’s a good thing that they laid down their lives like that for people like me to hear about. It gives me inspiration and allows me to hope and believe that God sees and blesses my prayers when I ask for strength and grace to be able to do what is good, despite the tug, nay, pull, that seems to be a constant part of life here on earth.

It is in poverty, while I am in the desert in terms of some aspects of life which I thought were important, and while I am gravitating more towards simplicity and silence, that I seem to hear God speaking more clearly. He uses concrete persons to deliver His message too. But to simply hear does not mean that I listen, let alone obey. I have miles to go before I sleep.

Hard Habit to Break

It is a foregone conclusion:  I’m a crammer.  I throw away Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People the moment I’m given an important assignment.  I prefer picking up the quadrant IV items first, and I’m highly effective there, mind you.  Blogging, texting, sleeping, e-mailing, name it, I prefer it to the big projects.

Don’t ask me to talk about Personal Order, a major Way of Life teaching of Lingkod.  It’s not in my vocabulary.  I’m OC about a lot of things but I have certain work habits that are pretty annoying, even for me.  I saw a calendar/planner at Powerbooks that I couldn’t afford, but the title of which struck me:  “The Procrastinator’s Guide”.  It has little ticklers for “What You Can Do Tomorrow”, “What You Can Avoid”, etc.  It was so me.

I am efficient for meetings, follow-ups, long-term plans, and discussions.  But once I’m given a thesis-like assignment, I put it off until the very last day, and file a Motion for Extension several days in a row.  

As if to emphasize my already pathetic time management skills, a song played on RX’s Monster’s Riot this morning, “Under Pressure” by Queen.  Boy did I type faster after hearing the all-too-familiar words.

I like to ruminate on things before finalizing them.  I like to collect all my materials before attacking them.  I like to distract myself, too.  So global, and what a headache I’d pose to the analytics I work with.  Tomorrow we have staff training that’s meant to assess our working styles and habits.  

I’d probably give a talk on Seven Habits of Highly Inefficient People.  That’s why coffee returned to my system – I switched to night shift once again. I’m no longer in the corporate world and so far removed from the legal profession, yet I still exercise these magic procrastinating tricks.  When will I ever change?  Will I ever change?

My friend Toni once commented, “Ella, you thrive on busy-ness.  You breathe better when you’re under stress.”

Oh, the things we discover about ourselves when we no longer have others to pin the blame on.

Two Loves of My Life

Ok, love is too strong a word. I love people, not things.

So ang title nito, pwede ring "two addictions". Or "two attachments". Decaf Cafe Mocha and my Nokia 6600 (with the penguin holder courtesy of Paully). Binigyan niya ako para raw hindi ko na ilaglag ang aking cellphone. Nalalaglag pa rin eh. So hindi attached sakin. :D

Thanks Ted for allowing me to tinker with your brand new phone with high-tech camera. Di ko alam kung anong model yan, I lost track of updates. Basta maganda.

Notice my misspelled name, "Elya". I can't get it why barristas slash cashiers always misspell my name. Or baka poor hearing. I've drunk coffees from cups labeled as "Delia", "Nelia", "Eya", and "Elias". Ella po, Ella. Kakaiba ba yun?

Buti na lang happy ako nung gabing yun at hindi ko na pinansin ang wrong-spelling-wrong. With great coffee (Gloria Jean's - hindi matao), great company (brothas and sistahs and a fatha), and of course great conversation, I sipped my free decaf (courtesy of one of the people whom I love) contentedly.

For a coffee lover, I take longer than expected in drinking it. I think I already mentioned that I can't drink really hot coffee. Mahina tolerance ko at napapaso ako eh. So kailangan, almost room temperature. Ewww goes the true coffee lovers out there. Sorry po, tao lang.

All They Asked for was a Greeting...

(Email sent to the Tiguls last Saturday. If this sounds like a congratulatory greeting to our very own, my apologies, but it is. Proud to be, happy to be, a QT. Even if I’m already a Lola as Gay serves as branch Mama.)

The spirit of joy and celebration overflowing from the hearts of the QT’s was unstoppable. I would like to report to the Tiguls (read: Lingkod QC former Service Council & earlier, not necessarily older, members) what the QT’s have been up to recently.

As an offshoot of the stunning video prepared by Gay’s Unit for the June QC anniversary featuring sisters singing to the tune of “Tara Na, Biyahe Tayo” (see lyrics at http://lingkodqc-anniv-5.blogspot.com), Ted & Gay commissioned Janice, Sheila, and the rest of the QT’s to record an anniversary greeting for Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon nationwide, to be shown at the Metro Manila 21st anniversary. With lyrics by Gay, minus-one by Karreen’s uber-talented brother Jobin Ballesteros (professional ito), a videocam, a reading lamp-turned-props-microphone, and QT’s characteristic passion for excellence, another classic came to life and it was shown last night.

It was impossible not to be swept with the wave of enthusiasm from the members to come up with the surprise number. I was particularly surprised, however, because I was the one who sent the e-mail from Lingkod Manila (c/o Jabar) to the BLs and BWMs asking for a greeting for Lingkod’s 21st anniversary. I don’t remember any mention of a grand production number in that request, but there’s just no stopping what’s in the hearts of the QT’s, so they responded in the only way they knew how – in the most showbiz, fun, wholesome, and entertaining manner possible.

The shooting took one hour only at the closing of the Sisters’ Household, as the brothers and I were invited for the Lord’s Day celebration. It was a joy to see the seemingly quiet and shy sisters putting on lipstick and powder just to sway in front of the cameras, singing about the 31 branches of Lingkod on its 21st anniversary, emphasizing “ang ganda ng mga sisters, ang galing ng mga brothers”. Even if the video was not shown last night, the shooting itself was reward already as everyone had the time of their life watching the footage afterwards! Audio recording took another night at Jobin’s now famous bedroom – with just a microphone and state-of-the-art equipment. One by one, the Lingkod singers recorded their respective parts. The rest waited at Karreen’s bedroom, surprised by shrieks of delight from those who entered the door with lines like, “One take lang ito, thank you, thank you!”. Where do we get these people? So talented, so passionate, and soooo … on fire. Hehe

I asked Ted if the number was approved by Lingkod Manila, the organizers. The incoming BL of that branch had to call up Ted to verify the equipment we needed – and QT’s who overheard the conversation butted in, “We need a good sound system, LCD projector, laptop…” Career! Over sa O.A. talaga!

On the night itself, we positioned ourselves near the aforesaid equipment and tested the video, and those from Lingkod Office and other branches who had a glimpse of the number said, “City of Stars talaga kayo.” When the video was finally shown, everyone laughed and was entertained! Honest. This is not a biased account, promise. The brothers from the Servants of the Word reacted – why is it that sisters were “maganda” and the brothers were just “magaling”? Lingkod staffers said, “Kakasuhan na namin kayo, Lingkod QC. Masyado kayong magaleng!” My ears grew tired of flapping by themselves (palakpak tenga) and I prayed for the grace to respond graciously to everything that was said. Who wouldn’t be happy at that moment???

The video was followed by Tina’s sharing. It provided a period and made the greeting complete – as Tina showed how she slowly grew to love God more through community, and how she was transformed from a reluctant member into an Action Group Leader after three years. It showed that God Himself is the one at work and He uses community and its members to make His presence felt to do what we ultimately do – bring lives to Him, Christifying the workplace.

The experience of the Lingkod WOW video (based kasi ito on the WOW Philippines song of Department of Tourism, recorded by Freddie Aguilar, Sharon Cuneta, Jessa Zaragosa, Lea Salonga, etc.) was so beautiful because the effort was not merely by one person, or those who were on the video, or those who were behind it, or those presently serving, or those who recorded the song – but the ultimate lingkod video was a production of Lingkod QC, who has always been blessed with the spirit of joy, the gift of song/dance/pen/visual art, and the passion to give the best in everything, that God may be glorified.

A brother from another branch made a comment that was unforgettable. He said, “Sis, ang ganda ng video. Nakaka-uplift at nakaka-encourage.” Brothers and sisters, this is our gift and our mission – to spread the good news the QC way, to show that struggles may come but the goodness of the Lord is more powerful than anything and if we but focus our eyes on Him, we can do anything.

Lord, I hope you were pleased, it was because of you that we were able to do that.

This is the Lord’s promise fulfilled – He gave us a theme this year, “Joyfully, we proclaim God’s glory”. At last Friday’s anniversary, we did just that, thanks to Him who made it possible.