Reverse Awakening

If I were asked which part of the US I would like to go back to for a visit, Las Vegas would be at the bottom of my list. It was enough for me to see the lights the first time I was there, but it had no lasting attraction for me. There were lots of other places, however, like San Francisco, Sydney, and Bohol, that I would make any excuse just to see again. My own biases were obviously limiting me from seeing the diamond in the rough that is LV.

Just because it is known for gambling and instant weddings, among others, should not mean the place does not offer anything good. Surely, I should stop being judgmental and learn to loosen up a little. Things are not always what they seem. I'm looking forward to spending time with my best friends from high school who live near the hotel where I would be staying, and with my law school blockmate who would attend the seminar. Yes, I'm going to have a grand time in "sin city."

Today I realized that just because a building is occupied by rich people does not mean its chapel is not filled with faithful believers. I'm undergoing a reverse awakening. I didn't realize I had put people in neat little files in my head - those in outright mission work took higher precedence over those who were successful in the corporate world. But who's to say that one glorifies and serves God more than the other? Does not the church need sponsors in order to implement its projects? Don't missionaries live on donations from generous people? What comes to mind is the passage from Corinthians that says we are one body, with many parts, with Christ as the head of the church.

My heart is slowly finding peace (it has not arrived fully yet) in the assurance that God is with me even if I don't serve Him in a church/ mission/ charity setting. I love Him so much, I don't want to be consumed by anything - not good works, not noble deeds, not amazing feats - that would separate me from His presence. Thus, I was afraid of pursuing my dreams too much. Ironically, it is the religious people around me who are setting me free and assuring me that God wants that for me, for He planted those desires in my heart.

Just because I am back in the corporate labyrinth does not mean that I'm not doing God's work. The bigger reality is that there is a greater hunger for laborers out there. Inside the church building and its surrounding lay organizations, the bench is already deep.

This might make better sense after I go on retreat this weekend. I have so much to share, for He has done many wondrous things before my eyes, but haven't found the right words yet. I need space and silence for that.

To be continued...

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Like the Watchman Waits, I Wait

"Do... or do not. There is no 'try'." --Jedi Master Yoda, from "Empire Strikes Back", Episode V of Star Wars (my favorite episode)

I am tempted to say that I will try to do my best, to warn myself that I am close to being manic-depressive at work so that the level of intensity I show at the beginning could somehow wane and eventually sizzle once I get disengaged, whenever that is. I am tempted to wash my hands of how I will handle life from now on, to hide behind the lies "I was born this way" and "I can't help it."

But something in me, my conscience, perhaps, is insisting that deep down, I'm still searching for my place under the sun (my winning spiel during my interview in the first company I worked for) and all the stops in my search were not mistakes, but were part of the journey. There is a part of me that believes, and hopes, that better days lie ahead, where ability and passion would meet, and where I would find some sort of acceptance, or familiarity, or even recognition, that what I am doing is making sense.

Yes, for once, I want to make sense. Sure, I still believe in counter-culture and in being radical, as a Christian, a citizen, and a human being, but during my blazing days of relentless service, I felt the deafening silence of disbelief from all around me. I am tired of explaining and defending life and the choices I've made. There must be a way for justice and peace to kiss.

Stripped to the bare essentials, I am searching for God's plan for my life, and anything that does not lead me closer to that, I can let go of. I have let go of relationships, jobs, positions, and options, because of this crazy love for Jesus and the way of life He has taught. I have said goodbye to people I loved, dearly and wholeheartedly, because they were not part of the movements in my life, nor was I in theirs.

I am taking a new step in life bringing all that with me, but not heavily. I want to embrace a future of freedom to love and serve God the way my heart tells me to. I want to play music and write words and speak truths to glorify Him. I want to use the gifts and skills He has given me to hone my craft and make a difference. I want to be free to do these, and I will pay whatever it takes to achieve this dream.

If, for now, I have to wait, and endure, and save, and learn, and cope, and smile, and bear all things in my heart, then I pray for the grace to do these. Frustration, loneliness, disappointment, I've traveled all that and more.

I know a little better. I've grown a little wiser. No matter where I am, God will be there. He is not in just one place at a time, after all. Why, I think only He can understand this post, and it doesn't matter to me.

I write for Him. And I write for me.

Always the Ninang

In the photo are two of my goddaughters, Audrey Therese E. Mooney (first row, leftmost) and Ava Alexandra Maria G. Crisol (the tiniest one). This was taken this morning right after Ava's christening.

Also in the photo are the members of my barkada from Grade Four. Only John's child is not present. Even Martha's baby made his presence felt.

I grabbed this photo from Fr. Jboy's Multiply Site. He's the cousin of Anj, who is the wife of my grade school barkada Arvin.

Joseph the Forgiver

Here's a poignant picture of forgiveness from Genesis Chapter 45:

1

Joseph could no longer control himself in the presence of all his attendants, so he cried out, "Have everyone withdraw from me!" Thus no one else was about when he made himself known to his brothers.

2

But his sobs were so loud that the Egyptians heard him, and so the news reached Pharaoh's palace.

3

"I am Joseph," he said to his brothers. "Is my father still in good health?" But his brothers could give him no answer, so dumbfounded were they at him.

4

"Come closer to me," he told his brothers. When they had done so, he said: "I am your brother Joseph, whom you once sold into Egypt.

5

But now do not be distressed, and do not reproach yourselves for having sold me here. It was really for the sake of saving lives that God sent me here ahead of you.

This blogger further sayeth naught.

Now Playing: Waiting Game

You're probably beginning to think I have issues with waiting. You're probably right.

We had guests for dinner last night and they enjoyed the Magic Mic. Since I was busy playing hostess, I could not think of a song when my turn came. This morning, I realized this would have been a fun videoke song for the group.

WAITING GAME bySWING OUT SISTER

I've spent too much time
Waiting for you in vain
I can't hear your voice
Although I call your name
I can't go on but I still
hang on just the same

I've spent endless nights
Crying your name out loud
But I still remain
Alone in an empty crowd
As time goes on I realize
you'll never change

I say a prayer
I count the hours
I hear a voice but it's not yours
I count the score
I can't go on playing the waiting game

If you should ever change your mind
I'll be there just call my name
Until then I'll be
playing the waiting game

I've waited too long
Wishing my life away
Convincing myself
Tomorrow you'd change your ways
I can't go on but I still
hang on just the same

I say a prayer
I count the hours
I hear a voice but it's not yours
I count the score
I can't go on playing the waiting game

All you left me was emptiness
Now everyday seems the same
You've gone but I'm still
playing the waiting game

If you should ever change your mind
I'll be there just call my name
Until then I'll be
playing the waiting game

I've waited too long for you
to change your ways
Playing the waiting game

All you left me was emptiness
Now everyday seems the same
You've gone but I'm still
playing the waiting game

If you should ever change your mind
I'll be there just call my name
Until then I'll be
playing the waiting game

---

Lyrics delivered by www.mp3lyrics.org

Embraced by God

Know that I am with you;

I will protect you wherever you go,

and bring you back to this land.

I will never leave you until

I have done what I promised you." (Gen 28:15, NAB)

These words leaped out of my Bible this morning as I read them. They were to me an embrace from my heavenly Father. It was another assurance of His presence, His power, and His plan for my life.

There are times when I wonder if God is really concerned with me. I do not have the faith of the hemorrhaging woman in the Gospel today, faith which saved her from all her shame and pain after touching the tassel of his cloak. Like her, I have lingering ailments that have yet to be cured. I hope that when the opportunity comes, I would also grab it like she did, ignoring rituals and propriety, and thus be saved.

There was someone who disappointed me during my adult life that had affected my relationship with God more than I expected. She was instrumental in my early days as a renewed Christian, and yet when I started to mature, I noticed how vastly different our responses to God were. I had to look at God's promises from a new light and to find my faith on my own. It was a good growth experience for me, to be able to stick to what I believed and to move away from the shadow of somebody else's faith.

Now, when I think about God's promises, I check myself as to what those really are, and not try to second-guess him or to read between the lines too much. His ways are not my ways, after all. And His ways are always, 100%, better. I've fallen flat on my face countless times just because I assumed God meant something other than what I heard Him telling me during prayer. I'm learning to wait on Him. It's a process.

But to know that He's always with me, protecting me, and leading me to His promise, is wonderfully comforting at this point. Left on my own, I could waste my life on things that don't last and worship other "gods". There are so many dangers and pitfalls in the world, and I don't always recognize them. Having a God who won't let my foot slip and who is determined to see me through gives me confidence to walk.

That sounds like a faith statement. It may be pea-sized but hey, Jesus said it's enough to move mountains. I've seen some mountainous obstacles moved in my lifetime, so I keep going, one by one, step by step, until I see the Promised Land.

And it's not what I think it should be. It is what is meant to be.

Dinner-Dance at DAHHA

On the night of 7/7/07, Mama and I dressed up for a Dinner-Dance at the Don Antonio Heights Homeowners' Association (DAHHA) Clubhouse, which was held for the benefit of the Mission Center Building Project of St. Benedict's Parish.

Papa played sponsor, fashion critic, and photographer.


There was a huge check containing a huge donation for the Church, and the Parish Pastoral Council President, Dr. Naty del Rosario, was very happy to receive it, as shown in this photo where she held the check together with our parish priest Fr. Steve Tynan. Dr. Violy Salvador of DAHHA and LECCOM and Mrs. Peia Fausto of the council was also there.

Some members of Youth Alive were also dressed to the nines for the occasion. They arrived in pairs, walking like "Friends" during their second season.

We danced the rest of the night away. It turned out to be a fun night.

APSE in Manila, er... QC

We have visitors at the parish. They are from Australia and are part of the Asia-Pacific School of Evangelisation. They are staying for three weeks. They've been to Manila, SM, two schools, and our parish already. They've gained weight in just four days.


Tita Ollie and Tito Don De Jesus set up a Filipino Food Night for them. They served lechon, itik, dinuguan, and mangga't bagoong, among others. The Australian youth gamely took on the Fear Factor challenge - that of eating balut, from the embryonic juice to the chick inside, which even we Filipinos refuse to eat sometimes.



This is our group picture - the Missionaries of God's Love in Manila, the delegates from APSE, and the Youth Alive Core Team.

Posh Anniversary

They're makulit, they're pasaway, and they're half my age. These are the POSH kids who are growing up before my eyes. They told me we first met on July 3, during the Life in the Spirit Seminar held at the then Our Lady of Fatima Sub-Parish, now the Parish of Saint Benedict. They listened to my talk and then were assigned to the sharing group the I handled together with Bro. Daniel.

Since then I have been involved in their assignments, crushes, graduations, birthdays, awards, rejections, learnings, and failures. They call me Ate and hang out with me but when it comes to service, they know I'm serious. They were a great help during the Youth Alive Summer Program, as they took charge of all the outdoor games during the picnic, sports fest, and food challenge. Well, they had the energy, so the Core Team tapped them.

Now, two of them are already working and they hardly have time to walk with me around U.P. campus. As we won't be seeing each other until Friday, when Australian visitors from the Asia-Pacific School of Evangelization would talk about World Youth Day Sydney '08 at the parish, I'll take this time to greet my kids. Maligayang Posh Ko.