Monday, July 16, 2007

Like the Watchman Waits, I Wait

"Do... or do not. There is no 'try'." --Jedi Master Yoda, from "Empire Strikes Back", Episode V of Star Wars (my favorite episode)

I am tempted to say that I will try to do my best, to warn myself that I am close to being manic-depressive at work so that the level of intensity I show at the beginning could somehow wane and eventually sizzle once I get disengaged, whenever that is. I am tempted to wash my hands of how I will handle life from now on, to hide behind the lies "I was born this way" and "I can't help it."

But something in me, my conscience, perhaps, is insisting that deep down, I'm still searching for my place under the sun (my winning spiel during my interview in the first company I worked for) and all the stops in my search were not mistakes, but were part of the journey. There is a part of me that believes, and hopes, that better days lie ahead, where ability and passion would meet, and where I would find some sort of acceptance, or familiarity, or even recognition, that what I am doing is making sense.

Yes, for once, I want to make sense. Sure, I still believe in counter-culture and in being radical, as a Christian, a citizen, and a human being, but during my blazing days of relentless service, I felt the deafening silence of disbelief from all around me. I am tired of explaining and defending life and the choices I've made. There must be a way for justice and peace to kiss.

Stripped to the bare essentials, I am searching for God's plan for my life, and anything that does not lead me closer to that, I can let go of. I have let go of relationships, jobs, positions, and options, because of this crazy love for Jesus and the way of life He has taught. I have said goodbye to people I loved, dearly and wholeheartedly, because they were not part of the movements in my life, nor was I in theirs.

I am taking a new step in life bringing all that with me, but not heavily. I want to embrace a future of freedom to love and serve God the way my heart tells me to. I want to play music and write words and speak truths to glorify Him. I want to use the gifts and skills He has given me to hone my craft and make a difference. I want to be free to do these, and I will pay whatever it takes to achieve this dream.

If, for now, I have to wait, and endure, and save, and learn, and cope, and smile, and bear all things in my heart, then I pray for the grace to do these. Frustration, loneliness, disappointment, I've traveled all that and more.

I know a little better. I've grown a little wiser. No matter where I am, God will be there. He is not in just one place at a time, after all. Why, I think only He can understand this post, and it doesn't matter to me.

I write for Him. And I write for me.

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