Sunday, July 27, 2008

Who and Whose I Am

It happens to everyone.  One slip and anyone could fall.  We could fall in love and fall out of love.  And we could forget everything we've learned, and everything we were taught.

Until somebody reminds us who we are, and, more importantly, whose we are.

The reason I have stayed afloat is that despite the thorn in my flesh, I have made myself accountable to spiritual directors, confessors, leaders, and friends who have patiently been reminding me through the years to fix my eyes on Jesus and on eternal life.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is easily tired.  Sometimes, we just want to enjoy what is before us.  Temporal needs are so tempting to satisfy, because they are attractive, because they are common, and because they are persistent.  

I am human, yes, but I am also God's daughter.  I am weak but my strength is in the Lord, who sends sunshine amidst the rain, and who brings shelter, comfort, and an umbrella during a storm.  

There is sunshine in my life and I have seen that I always have a choice to do the right thing.  I always have options.  And I choose to be holy.  I would rather die poor and holy than live rich and damned.  

But same time yesterday, I was not so sure where I could go, or how I could stand up against the world.  What a difference a day makes.

One day in the Lord's courts is indeed better than a thousand elsewhere.  And I could appreciate this better after I've tried being in the latter.

Apologies for the seeming vagueness of this post.  Who wants to read about details, when what we are meant to share are the lessons?

Rejoice with me, for I was almost lost, but now I'm found.  I could fall again, I know, but hopefully not enough to turn my back completely on God's invitation to union with Him not just today but for all time.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Madrid 2011

Could this be my chance to visit Europe?  

Pope Benedict announced that the next World Youth Day will be held in Madrid, Spain.  Three years from now.  I cannot see the future but I can dream.

EWTN is on delayed telecast, so I read the news online about it here.  WYD has officially closed in Sydney but  my friends have several more days in Australia.  I can't wait to hear from them all that they had experienced and to remember that I, too, all the way here in Manila, have received the power of the Holy Spirit, just like WYD 08's theme goes.

Life is not neat these days but the only way to move on is to look brightly upon the future and believe that God has prepared the way already, and that He wants to shower His blessings.  I've missed several chances to visit Europe with my family and friends already.  I know, however, that at the right time, the desires that God had placed in my heart will be fulfilled.

I can see the Philippine flag on TV, being waved across Sydney.  Only 9 more days until July 29.

And 10 more days til I turn a year older.  But I claim that by 2011, I would still be young, as in the eyes of God, I would always be a child.  And that's mighty fine by me.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Address of BXVI

"Dear friends, life is not governed by chance; it is not random. Your very existence has been willed by God, blessed and given a purpose (cf. Gen 1:28)! Life is not just a succession of events or experiences, helpful though many of them are. It is a search for the true, the good and the beautiful.  It is to this end that we make our choices; it is for this that we exercise our freedom; it is in this – in truth, in goodness, and in beauty – that we find happiness and joy."

The above is an excerpt from the address of Pope Benedict XVI to the World Youth Day delegates earlier today in Sydney.  I watched from home and felt him speaking to me, waving at me, smiling at me.  He is a picture of peace and tranquility amidst a busy world.  

I watched the live telecast on EWTN, too bad they don't have 24/7 coverage.  It's a blessing in disguise that I stayed home to rest today.  I was restless until I heard Pope Benedict's message.

Sydney is a beautiful city and it provides a perfect backdrop for this gathering of young pilgrims from around the globe.  

Read BXVI's entire address at the Vatican website, linked here. 

Watch highlights at the official WYD08 media site here.

My friends texted that they saw the Pope, and he waved at them (or at least they claimed he did see them).  

I find it cute that our 81-year old Pontiff sent a text message to the pilgrims and signed it  "-BXVI".  He is a father, grandfather, priest, bishop, and Pope to us all, and he is out there evangelizing the world, one young pilgrim at a time.  My only WYD experience was here in Manila in 1995, when Pope John Paul II (we love you!) received rock star reception.  I was there in Luneta.  I handled discussion groups.  I sang with the music ministry from my youth group for one event in one campus, among hundreds held on the same week.  It was quite an experience and it has helped shape my desire to share the Gospel to many young people.

I will stay tuned until Sunday's closing mass, through cable, Internet, or text.  In this event I found something to be joyful about.  

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Thinking of My Friends Down Under

I could not stop thinking about my friends today -  my friends who are cold, tired, and sleepless.

They probably sleep on the floor or at best, on a thin mattress.  They are probably yearning for a warm bath.  I know they have not eaten rice in days.  They have not seen their friends and families for more than a week now.  

Yet, they are having the time of their life, and I would rather be in their shoes.

For my friends are attending the World Youth Day in Sydney, Australia, together with other pilgrims from all over the globe.  They were hit by winter nights last weekend and rice is not the staple food where they are right now, hence the discomfort and the disorientation.

But they will see the Pope on Thursday, and they might be caught on international TV.  They are making loads of new friends and visiting new places.  I'm in touch with some of them through text so I know they're fine and are enjoying every moment of their adventure.

I can't wait to hear their stories when they go back.  I've long settled why I could not join them for WYD, but sometimes I cannot help but wish my situation were different and I could be there with them, to suffer their little sufferings for the sake of the heavenly energy that is surrounding them.

I guess, being a fellow pilgrim, I am one with them in their journey.  

Monday, July 14, 2008

Back to the Top

After a long absence, I've updated my TopBlogs link.  I used to get a good raking in Pinoy Topblogs but ever since they moved sites I lost the HTML code and I've sunk to the bottom of the list.  Well, let's see if we could slowly but surely re-claim our position.

If you like this blog, please vote using the link on the upper left hand corner of this blog.

You may also vote for my other blog here.  Thanks! 

Thursday, July 03, 2008

I'm Only Happy When it Rains


I'm only happy when it rains.  I'm only happy when it's complicated.

The rest of the song by Garbage is actually quite depressing, but I'm using it as my theme for this piece.  I've always liked the first two lines of the song, and the melody is quite catchy, although the message is actually not the theme of my life.

So why do I like it when it rains?  I already wrote about that in previous blog posts linked here.  There was a brother in Lingkod who used to call me Miss July, and ignoring any other meaning the world has put on calendar girls, I'd like to claim that in God's calendar, important lessons take place during this month, for me.  The July rains always bring about change, washing away all the accumulated dirt and grime, and sustaining the life that is sometimes dried up during the dry season.

I just came from a session with my spiritual director, Fr. Geoffrey Coombe, mgl.  I went there not knowing what to say, only prepared to admit what a mess I had been making of my life so far, but I left the chapel feeling light-hearted, hopeful, and, more importantly, aware of God's love for me.  This was a treasured feeling that I thought I had lost, so overwhelmed was I by the mountains before me.

He showed me that I was moving towards my authentic self and was growing bolder in letting go of my projected self.  He helped me identify what were the things that were blurring my vision of God the Father.  He guided me in deciding which battles were for today and which were for another day.  He also shared his lessons from his past retreat with me, and I was surprised to see how his experiences resonated within me, because he also struggled with some of my struggles.  

He said that I should appreciate moments of crisis because those are the times when I can see more clearly what is happening within me and when I could make the most important decisions of my life.  He encouraged me that even if I was in pain there was an end to the pain and all I had to do was to be vulnerable and raw before God, who was going to heal me, and who was speaking to my heart even while I had shut it out so I could function in the way I felt I was expected to the past few months.  

He has been part of my spiritual journey for the past four years and I am very blessed to have a guide and friend who is helping me listen to my heart, and to the Inner Voice of Love.  My image of God and my self-knowledge are growing and improving because of conversations with him and the others God has sent my way.  There are things I discover on my own but it helps to have someone who will listen, mirror, and validate these discoveries.

It's only the third day of the month and already, I am feeling the rush of blessings, in forms I did not expect.  Of course my concerns from last week are still there but once more I can say that my God is bigger than my problems, and I also have reason to celebrate.  I had dinner with officemates the other night, and dinner with parish friends last night.  I have spent more than a month with my mother, and I feel my siblings are very close even though they are scattered in different parts of the globe.  

All of a sudden, my failures don't seem that bad.  Gas prices, typhoon victims, financial worries, and all the usual fears can't pull me down.  I can think about happy thoughts, and it's ok.  I can dream of watching Cinderella starring my idol Lea Salonga.  I can plan to watch "Mamma Mia!" the movie featuring my favorite actress Meryl Streep.  I can dream.  I can hope.  I can pray.  I can believe.  Bring on the rain.

If this time of rain is about blessing, then the pain is not depressing.  I sing to my God, and I listen to His voice, for He meets me where I am.  He always does.

In Tagalog,

Tuwing Umuulan at Kapiling Ka
Words and Music by Ryan Cayabyab

Pagmasdan ang ulan,
Unti-unting pumapatak sa mga halama't mga bulaklak
Pagmasdan ang dilim,
Unti-unting bumabalot sa buong paligid t'wing umuulan

Kasabay ng ulan bumubuhos ang 'yong ganda,
Kasabay rin ng hanging kumakanta

Maari bang huwag ka na
Sa piling ko'y lumisan pa hanggang ang hangi't ula'y tumila na

Buhos na ulan, aking mundo'y lunuring tuluyan
Tulad ng pag-agos mo,
'Di mapipigil ang puso kong nagliliyab
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Pagmasdan ang ulan,
Unti-unting tumitila
Ikaw ri'y magpapaalam na
Maari bang minsan pa, mahagkan ka't maiduyan pa
Sakbibi ka't ulan lamang ang saksi

Minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka't h'wag nang tumigil pa
Hatid mo ma'y bagyo, dalangin ito ng puso kong sumasamo
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Maari bang minsan pa, mahagkan ka't maiduyan pa
Sakbibi ka't ulan lamang ang saksi

Buhos na ulan, aking mundo'y lunuring tuluyan
Tulad ng pag-agos mo,
'Di mapipigil ang puso kong nagliliyab
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

Minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka't h'wag nang tumigil pa
Hatid mo ma'y bagyo, dalangin ito ng puso kong sumasamo
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka
.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

What to Do in Times of Adversity

Like an instruction manual, the First Reading opened my eyes to how I should respond to adversity:

Cry out to the Lord;
moan, O daughter Zion!
Let your tears flow like a torrent
day and night;
Let there be no respite for you,
no repose for your eyes.

Rise up, shrill in the night,
at the beginning of every watch;
Pour out your heart like water
in the presence of the Lord;
Lift up your hands to him
for the lives of your little ones
Who faint from hunger
at the corner of every street.

 (Lamentations 2: 18-19)

To rejoice and to praise God in all circumstances, to be grateful and cheerful in times of distress - these are my lessons for this chapter.  

Friday, June 27, 2008

Shell-Shocked

We all have our share of problems. How often have we heard this statement, and how true is it?

Last night I imagined how this works. I imagined, to maintain my sanity and sense of humor, that in heaven there is someone assigned to apportion people's "shares" of problems. I imagined this little angel's daunting task is to cue people's assigned problems, and to press the release lever once a problem is solved on earth, and the next one meant for a particular person becomes due.

I imagined writing a petition last night, to be seen up in heaven, saying,

"Halt! Wait! I think you read the wrong charts. You accidentally sent me more than my fair share of problems. These huge ones, the latest you approved for release this week, are not supposed to be mine. Most likely, they belong to that guy over there whose only problem is how to keep his sports car shiny everyday, or that lady I saw on the newspaper whose main preoccupation is to look pretty and acquire the latest 'must-have' bag. Not me.

"Oh, no, Little Angel, you're mistaken. There's a breakdown in your system. There's a glitch in your program. These problems can't be mine. How am I supposed to handle them, when my hands are still full from the ripe challenges you threw down my way last week?

"I'm respectfully returning your latest release. I wish the person you bring this down upon the best of luck. He or she will need it."

Yesterday, someone told me that a bright young lawyer committed suicide, shocking everyone she had left behind. She seemed to have it all, I wondered what drove her to despair and made her lose all hope.

Last night, rendered immobile by problems that were too big for my puny mind to deal with, and which were too scary for my palpitating heart to to face, I watched TV. I saw a movie about a person suffering from manic-depressive behavior and dementia. This supposed relaxing activity did not relieve my chest pains.

I turned to prayer, tired, beaten, and bruised. I asked for prayers. I lifted my hands in surrender. No, these problems were not mine to handle.

I need a Savior now so desperately, as I turn to face reality.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Force Majeure

"Act of God or force majeure, by definition,
are extraordinary events not foreseeable or avoidable,
events that could not be foreseen, or which, though foreseen, are inevitable.
It is therefore not enough that the event should not have been foreseen or anticipated,
as is commonly believed,
but it must be one impossible to foresee or to avoid."
--(National Power Corp. vs. Court of Appeals, G.R. No. 96410. July 3, 1992.)

Living in a country hit by an average of twenty (20) typhoons every year, I am used to howling winds, pounding rains, and rising waters. As a student, it meant classes were suspended, and I was free to sleep and eat the storm away. Power usually went out, and it was always a time to find forms of entertainment that did not require electricity. On those days that were as dark as night, I played the piano by candlelight, and was inspired to learn Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata", used in the movie "The Loves of Dracula", to complete the eerie effect during the stormy days of my childhood.

Twenty years later, I have changed. The world has changed. Consequently, I'm usually restless during a storm. Last weekend, I had a scheduled flight to Davao about an hour after Frank (international codename: Fengshen) was supposed to hit Metro Manila, something that was not predicted by the Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration (PAG-ASA) and similar agencies across the globe. Power did not go down so I was able to monitor the updates on TV, radio, and Internet.

A ferry sank and 700 people went missing. Iloilo City in Central Philippines went under water. I saw what storms really meant - lost lives and properties. I watched them in the shelter of our home. I could neither sleep nor rest, however, because of worry and anxiety, as if I had not recovered from all those 20 storms per year of my existence, and as if being pounded by sheets of rain was putting me under water and making me feel helpless.

For what can we do against a typhoon? We can't fight it back with magic powers. We can't push it back behind a force field. All we can do is find a shelter, and stay there, until the roaring winds and the raging waters subside.

My officemate and I decided to postpone our trip to next month, and not just rebook it for another day this week, as weather conditions were not conducive to travel. She told me that this was force majeure and our bosses would understand. They did understand, and told us that it was better to be safe than sorry. We revised our work plan and schedule accordingly.

Sometime yesterday afternoon, as I was talking to my mother about our flooded driveway and leaking kitchen, I heard a silence. It was like in the movies - when the rain and the wind stopped- and I knew, like an old farmer who could predict the weather, that the worst was over. I later learned that Frank had indeed left Metro Manila and was moving towards the northern part of Luzon, where the people had just been hit by a typhoon recently.

I got up and attended the evening mass, which was packed as everyone seemed to have stayed indoors earlier that Sunday and was only crawling out of their shelters. The skies were not as angry anymore; I could walk with just a jacket, avoiding puddles of water and shaking off raindrops as I went along. There was that air of stillness, as if people were afraid to move after the vigorous pounding they had received. Only a few establishments were open, and people went home early. The typhoon had left, but people still had to recover from it. I tried to go back to normal, but I could not work. I could not finish a sentence of the 170 cases I had to analyze.

This morning, I woke up to the chirping of the birds. Around me, signs that "Frank Was Here" could be seen - there were fallen trees and scattered leaves everywhere. Due to the sleeplessness from the past two nights, and the stressfulness of the previous work week, I could not get up from bed, with an ache I could not quite name. I knew I had to go to work, as life ought to go on. But I called in sick.

The typhoon has left, for now. Another one would surely come. Is PAG-ASA or the Coast Guard prepared? Is the Philippine Red Cross equipped? Do the Local Government units, and the National Disaster Coordinating Council, get enough support? I wonder when we could learn from the past and be stronger against the forces of nature.

There are many factors why warnings are not heeded by ferry operators, houses are not made of strong materials in areas prone to typhoons, floods are not prevented, and the basics of food, shelter, and clothing are not provided to our people. We could only gather our old clothes and blankets to warm them up afterwards, but how to avoid these? I hope our corrupt politicians grow a conscience soon. Gasoline prices are up, and basic commodities are following suit. The ordinary Filipinos like me are getting more beaten and bruised every typhoon, which, as we all know, happens 20 times to us every year.

In my life, when the next storm comes, and I'm unprepared, is it still considered force majeure? I don't need the Supreme Court to give me an answer this time. If it's an act of God that I'm afraid of, then perhaps there's no one better to ask, than God Himself. I know He is showing me the answers little by little, but like a creature still shaken by the most recent storm, everything is incomprehensible to me. I seek sanctuary where I could hear Him more clearly.

I hope that the changes I find in me are for the better, not for the worse. I tried to play "Moonlight Sonata" today, but I had forgotten most of it. The Gospel reading for today led me to pray for a fresh perspective on my life after the storm, that the "log in my eye" may be removed so I could see that the storm is over, just like that, and that it made way for a rainbow in the sky to remind me that God promised, not to exempt me from the storm, but to be with me every moment of it.

I wrote all of these down so I would not forget. The next step is to move on, pick up the pieces, and see the beautiful picture that God has painted because of the storm.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

There's Really Not Enough of Me to Go Around

The past week was about seeing that there was not enough of me to go around.  Not enough of me for my work; not enough of me for my service; not enough for me for my health; not enough of me for my family; not enough of me for my future.

I was crashing down by Friday but tried to keep it together.  It didn't work.  I snapped at everyone who was important to me and hated myself for it.  I went to bed dog-tired and crying out for rest.

Then I had a dream - there was an important occasion, I was in a beautiful house, and all the people who had ever mattered to me - hundreds of them - were there.  We were all celebrating and I was happy.

Then I woke up.  I learned that Storm Signal No. 1 was up in Metro Manila.  More like Signal No. 4,  I said to myself, as I thought about everything I had to do today, this week, this month, and this year.  

And then I turned to prayer.  I could not understand the First Reading, as my heart was full of anxiety and worry.  The Psalm did not ease my tiredness.

I stopped reading Scripture, and spoke to the Lord.  I said I was sorry for all those times I insisted on my own way and depended on my own strength, even if I knew in my heart that He was leading me towards a different path and that He did not need me to be anyone's savior.

I opened my eyes to read the Gospel, and I was struck by what Jesus said, and knew He was speaking to me directly.  

Gospel
Mt 6:24-34

Jesus said to his disciples:
“No one can serve two masters.
He will either hate one and love the other,
or be devoted to one and despise the other.
You cannot serve God and mammon.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,
what you will eat or drink,
or about your body, what you will wear.
Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds in the sky;
they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns,
yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are not you more important than they?
Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
Why are you anxious about clothes?
Learn from the way the wild flowers grow.
They do not work or spin.
But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor
was clothed like one of them.
If God so clothes the grass of the field,
which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow,
will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’
or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’
All these things the pagans seek.
Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sufficient for a day is its own evil.”


I remembered that I had already wrapped my life around this truth.  There was a time when I was not worried anymore about what I was to eat, to wear, or to drink.  There was a time when I believed fully that  God was taking care of my tomorrow.  There was a time when I was serving God, and God alone.

How do I go back to that truth now?  I am open to His leading.  I am lowering my defenses again to His call.  

Lord, may Your Word be fulfilled in me.  Help me to put my trust in You again, not just for my life but for my loved ones as well.  I have tried this before and the results were not as I expected.  Help me to rely on You more.  Amen.