Saturday, September 18, 2004

Crossing Another Crossroads

Why are some decisions so hard to make? I thought I had only two options - status quo and master of laws. Now a third road-less-traveled-by-lawyers has come my way. A headhunter is after my head! She's dangling a position that seems tailor-fit for me. A multinational company is looking for a lawyer with managerial, writing, and editing skills. She must be a self-starter; able to carry herself well; confident in dealing with Caucasians as she would be the Filipino Production Manager handling US law firms as clients. I don't know about this. I really don't.

When I started this career discernment process, I was happy and excited. I felt I had the leeway to dream big dreams. My imagination went full blast imagining sceneries of love, peace, and joy, with me in the starring role. I daydreamed about freedom to do research work and to write without worrying where to get my next paycheck. I saw myself traveling on a budget, but traveling nonetheless. Alas! My excitement was short-lived. When I started surfing for possible schools, courses, scholarships, and countries, I faced ghosts from my past and fears for my future. I could not decide on a thesis topic and so the rest of the decisions that I had to make were put on hold. I learned about tough competition in scholarships and came across so many deadlines.

Deadlines. I hate deadlines. I've killed myself over them in the past, at school and at work, that's why I've been longing to remove all external pressure from this discernment. I want to go about this in full faith and confidence in God's perfect plan and timing. So what if I missed the Chevening and Fulbright scholarships already? I'm not cut out for them anyway. Still, deadlines are a reality in this path that if I wish to take it, I should brace myself for more. Looking for funding for graduate studies, I found out, is not for the faint of heart, and certainly not for the impatient. So what am I doing exploring this option?

I don't know. Well, I do. I heard God asking me to consider this. I asked Him to be more specific. He just assured me that He would send an angel to guide me and that He would instruct me. With so many doors opening before me, I need the patience of Job (is this right? Was Job patient?) to get through this and reach my promised land.

I could write better if my mind wasn't so cluttered. Something tells me that all shall be well and that this shall have a happy ending. I just pray that I take the right steps towards the right decision.

This is a belated quarter-life crisis. What do I want to do with my life? At 30, I thought that the answer to the child's questions in Que Sera Sera would be clear to me. Well what do you know, I am at another crossroads. Lead me to the ancient paths, Lord!

1 comment:

Pie said...

hi sis!!! i thank God for you. ive always told you (esp. when i had the chance) that your talks inspire me. now that i came upon your blog, i am even more thankful to Him. though i havent read ALL, the most recent posts you had manifest God's unceasing faithfulness and love and guidance for/on you. You, and the rest of the Lingkod brothers and sisters, are in my prayers. always.

love, Pie