Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I am holy. I am perfect. I am not!

Times like these, I can see concretely why the title of this blog is still “Lessons in Waiting”. I am far from done with learning to be patient. The worst subject of all is that which is entitled “Being Patient with Myself”.

We had bible sharing this morning at the office (one of the many blessings of working in Lingkod!). We reflected on the paralytic who was healed by Jesus through the perseverance of his four friends (from Mark 2:1-12). They brought him close to Jesus by opening up the roof of the house where Jesus was preaching, and lowering the paralytic’s mat from above. We were struck by Jesus’ instructions towards the paralytic, after telling him that his sins were forgiven - “rise, pick up your mat and go home”. We were even more struck at how the healed man’s obedience glorified the Lord, as he obeyed in full view of an amazed crowd. They were all astounded and glorified God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this." (v. 12).

It was a good reminder that obedience to God, and following His instructions to the letter, would result in others being astounded and in Him being glorified. That is the mission of my life, to be an instrument so that others may see God’s glory. The hope I learned, after the session, was to try my best to live my life as a disciple in a way that would make the witnesses say that they had never seen anything like that.

My deeper reflection was that I was still hesitating to obey the Lord. I was the paralytic who was already healed through the love, prayers, support and encouragement of more than just four people, by being forgiven by the Lord Jesus and hearing His voice. I should have stopped acting like I was still paralyzed right then and there. I should have stood up, picked up my mat (something I was bound to for a very long time), and gone home, probably to preach the good news of salvation which I personally heard and experienced from the Lord.

Instead I still am sick and in need of people to carry me through storms that paralyze me. As I strive for holiness and perfection in this world, I find myself failing again and again. I am first to blame myself for falling.

Maybe for me getting up from paralyzing pain is not that easy, and I should learn to go through the process of healing. Last night was a first step towards it. Hope I learn not to aggravate the situation by poking on the wound, but to be still while the Lord takes the hurts away, one by one.

It has been a long time and I am tired of carrying this load. I thought I was over these issues, but they have the habit of coming back. This time, I hope to yield and be still before my God so I could hear His clear instructions. I know this pain is purposeful, for nothing is ever wasted in His service.

If only I were healed already! Oh impatient one, learn to wait….

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