Tribute to John Paul the Great

I came across a beautiful video tribute to Pope John Paul II.

Turn on your speakers as you remember a great man of God. :)

My Thoughts Exactly!

Writing to Save the Day
(Daily Reading I received from The Henri Nouwen Society)

Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.

Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too.

Mga Naisip ko Habang Kasagsagan ng Init

Ang init sa Pilipinas!!! Hindi yun masarap sabihin sa Ingles.

Bakit ba taun-taon naman ang summer, pero parati akong nagugulat na andyan na siya, at bathing suit season na? At wala akong maisuot para sa office, kasi karamihan ng work outfits ko, suits na may lining! Kainis. Bago ako makarating sa office, tunaw na ang makeup ko. Kahit magkotse pa ko, may distansiya ring lalakarin at hagdan na aakyatin mula sa parking lot hanggang sa cubicle ko.

Dinaan ko na nga lang sa avatar ko sa Yahoo Messenger ang frustration ko eh. Sinubukan kong magsuot dun ng isang dangkal na shorts. Nakorek ako ng mga sisters. Hehe. Kunsabagay, sa totoong buhay di naman din ako magsusuot ng ganung outfit. Pambehera, pinalitan ko na po at balut na balot na ulit ako. Proper na ang aking attire, becoming of a BWM na ulit.

Mainit pa rin. Siyempre ongoing ang pangangarap at pagpaplano ko kung kelan ako makakapag beach. At the rate I'm going, tag-ulan na by the time makapunta ako nang matagal-tagal. Kasi kasal ng kuya ko. Pagkatapos kong maka-discount sa gown kay Mama Renee Salud para sa kasal na iyon, siyempre bawal akong magpaaraw para mabigyan ko ng hustisya ang gown! Hindi naman ako endorser ng Likas Papaya, kaya lang mabilis talaga akong tablan ng araw at matagal ma-undo ang damage. Mana kasi ako sa balat ng tatay ko e. Buti pa si Mama, maputi.

Napanuod ko sa F nung isang linggo ang pinakamasasarap na halu-halo sa Pilipinas. Razon's at Little Quiapo yung gusto kong tikman. Kaso, ang calories, hindi ko pwede patulan dahil... you guessed it right! Kailangang magkasya sa gown na design ni Mama Renee. Pagkatapos ng kasal. Grabe ang kasalan sa Pilipinas ano? Kahit di ka bride, kuntodo ang taranta mo para rito lalo na at medyo close ka sa ikakasal. Tapos mag-uuwian ang aming mga balikbayan, mga kapatid ko, pinsan, at iba pang kamaga-anaks inc. Grand production number. Masayang nakakahilo. Malamang mapapatulan na ang craving ko sa halu-halo niyan kasama sila. Walang ganyan sa States. O kung meron man, hindi kasing-sarap, I bet!

Sa kasal na ito, Mass commentator ako ulit. Halos palagi akong may role. Nasubukan ko na karamihan ng gawain - maid of honor, bridesmaid, secondary sponsor na candle cord at veil, choir, lector, commentator, choir master, at ang all time favorite na ipagawa sa akin - wedding emcee. Dahil kaibigan ko na si Mama Renee, may discount siguro ako dun pag nagkataon. May pinsan naman akong mahusay na florist dun sa Las Pinas. Siguradong may pari akong magkakasal sa akin, ay sus! Dalawa pa ata, at hindi raw ako sisingilin nung isa kasi parishioner ako. Malamang pati yung isa di na maningil no. Napakalaking tipid kung ako ang bride. Sa dami ng kasal kong napuntahan, at mga kakilala ko simula pagkabata, siguradong mura ko makukuha ang printer ng imbitasyon, ang misalette, ang choir (baka libre pa), ang strings quartet, mga singer, caterer, at kung anu-ano pang chuva.

E bakit di ka pa kinakasal? Pinapraktis ko lang ang tanong pag nakita ko ang aking kamaganaks inc. sa May 14. Iba na ang sagot ko ngayon. Di ko na sasabihing handa na ho ang lahat, pwera ang groom. Nope. May natutunan din pala ako kahit papaano nito lang dalawang taong paglilingkod ko sa Lingkod. Hindi pa ako ikakasal kasi hindi pa panahon. Ganun lang kasimple.

Ngayon, panahon ng tag-init. Mainit sa Pilipinas!

A Dream Vacation

I wish that I could go on vacation. Not a retreat, not a working trip, but just a vacation.

My dream vacation right now is very simple. I just want to go to a beach, not necessarily a white-sand beach, and be able to stay there for hours in the morning and then at sunset. Due to my melanin-infused skin, I refuse to be exposed to the noontime sun and would probably take that time to have lunch somewhere airconditioned and to take a nap.

I want to spend those hours alone. I want to walk, pray, listen, sing, and write. I may be surrounded by people but I don't want to be pressured to relate to them, or to please them by having to serve or entertain them, for that would be a dream vacation for another time.

I will bring:

1.) my Bible... perhaps the worn-out NRSV, not the gold-edged NAB, the hard-bound Jerusalem, the thick Serendipity NAB, the NIV without the Imprimatur, or the Good News/TEV... yes, the NRSV would be the language for my dream vacation (Scripture guides Word Among Us and Sabbath included);

2.) my journal... which one? to delay the dilemma I'll just bring the discernment journal and the everyday journal, hmmm and perhaps break in a new journal to start my new journey;

3.) my guitar... not that I know how to play it already but that would be the perfect time to learn, except that it would be hard to travel with a guitar that doesn't have a hard case so will think about this more;

4.) my cellphone... for those moments when something beautiful captures my attention and I need to share it with someone;

5.) my camera... to play tourist aside from traveler;

6.) my portable DVD/CD player (CDs included)... if I could promise myself to keep sand and saltwater away from it, that is;

7.) my most comfortable clothes, think Naturalizer or Bass ads, haha...

8.) my summer bag... big enough to hold all the essentials for a beach vacation for one;

9.) my toilteries, and for this vacation, unlike in the NLTC, I promise not to bring a trunkload of toiletries and cosmetics! Simplicity has to become a reality since I'm not even supposed to bring anything for this journey;

10.) my writing notebook... to exercise my creative juices;

11.) my pocketbooks, around three to four; and

12.) materials for study like Bible study tools.

A vacation without people fussing over me, without too much noise and gimmicks and parties. An inexpensive vacation where only a bedroom, three meals a day, and easy access to the beach are necessary.

I hope to have this vacation after the effectivity of my resignation, after my service in Lingkod QC, and before I take on my next service. I know God can give this dream vacation if He wills it. And if He asks me to lessen my load, I can even reduce my list of things to bring.

I can almost smell and feel the spray of saltwater on my skin.

And just to make the dream perfect, can this vacation be for free? :)

How Ella Got Her Groove Back

I am doing things I never imagined I would and I feel I'm stepping closer towards my own resurrection.

I wrote about turning down job offers which to the normal lawyer would have appeared to be good opportunities. Sometime ago, however, it had already been established that I am not normal. And then I got an opportunity to do mission/volunteer work with a promise of the minimum wage and I almost spoke in tongues involuntarily, out of sheer joy.

My parents know. My boss now knows. I can breathe more freely nowadays. In just a couple more months, I would set aside my lawyer's hat and try to serve the Lord full-time. It was a product of several months of pruning, testing and stretching. Discernment took on various forms - from a mere "process of yielding" (this blog's previous title) to heavy "lessons in waiting" (the current title). I had no idea what was in store for me. Listening to my heart, I knew that my heavenly Father was calling me to serve Him but to be a missionary without a mission was a vast exposure to frustration.

This afternoon, I talked to my boss and explained to her why I would have to move on after three years. At first I couldn't tell if her smile meant that she was indifferent or if she was in denial that I was saying goodbye. I am just thankful that we had a blessed conversation. We reiterated that she would still be my ninang whenever, if ever, I get married. She said I could come back to work for her anytime. Those were the magic words that I needed to hear, even though I knew for sure that I was doing this major career shift very soon. I didn't want to burn bridges because she had been very influential and inspiring for the duration of our working relationship. Her motherly instincts showed when she told me that because she came from the old school and a past generation where women didn't have these kinds of opportunities to serve as I had, she could not understand what I was going to do. Yet she knew she had no choice but to let me go and to be happy for me, as long as I was certain that this was what I wanted to do.

Months of agony are slowly coming to an end. I may be in for new challenges but the knowledge that God had prepared me for them makes me freer to focus on the joy and peace that came with this development in my journey.

There are still job descriptions that need defining and sources of income that need discovering. There are cases to finish and documents to turnover. I am likewise in the middle of transition in our branch, Lingkod QC. My brother's getting married and working in Germany starting in June. I will be the unica hija, the only daughter and the only child out of five to stay under the same roof with my parents.

These are things I would never have thought would happen to me all at the same time. I know, therefore, that I am surviving because of God's grace. The Great Architect of my life is in charge and even though I may feel shaken and stirred at times, I have reason to stand firm and to stand tall.

There IS a plan for all of us, beyond our imaginations, beyond the little boxes we like to live in. I am thankful for the opportunity to be stretched, pruned and tested. It makes the fruit that all these would bear so much sweeter.

To be loved, to be loved, to be truly, truly loved. That's what makes my heart sing and dance. Such love is here.

Habemus Papam!

I missed the five-minute confusion as to whether it was white or black smoke. I missed the initial tolling of the bells. But after receiving a text message from Ted with only two words - Habemus Papam - I turned the TV on immediately and joined the rest of the world in joyfully anticipating the revelation of the identity of our next Pope.

I saw St. Peter's Square quickly fill up with people and wished I lived within walking or driving distance from Rome as well so I could be part of history in a more concrete way. Instead, I had to be content and thankful that we had cable TV. EWTN, BBC and CNN all focused on the balcony and I realized I had a better view than if I were standing with the crowds at the Vatican. When the announcement of his identity came, I let out a gleeful shout! Oh, I don't know Cardinal Ratzinger. I hardly can pronounce the names of all the papabile. I just felt that I had a father again, or a new shepherd. I believed in my heart that it was the Holy Spirit who led the cardinals in the conclave. The Lord would not allow such an important decision to be corrupted by Satan. Therefore, whoever my new Pope is, my faith tells me that he is the man whom God anointed to lead me closer to Him for such a time as this.

Pope Benedict XVI. I had no idea who the previous 15 Benedicts were and how they served as pontiff. It was only later that I learned of their more memorable deeds, particularly Benedict XV, that Vatican watchers and experts said could have been the reason why Cardinal Ratzinger chose the name.

"I am a humble servant in the Lord's vineyard. I commend myself to your prayers," thus the new pope offered himself to his flock. Across the globe, I heard him and said, I will pray for you Pope Benedict XVI. Thank you for standing up to the challenge of being the leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

As the rest of the world has been following closely the happenings at Vatican, I pray that hearts would be moved back to rediscover their faith. May the arms of St. Peter reach all these hearts who are searching for a home, a father, and a beloved. True, we will always be orthodox and we will never give in to the dictates of the world, but such is the teaching of our Lord Jesus Christ and we would do well to abide by His Word. The Church may suffer severe criticisms because of the new Pope's hardline stance against many of the world's demands, but it makes me love, believe, and follow him all the more.

The Church will install Internet and use a wide screen to project to the crowds what is going on at the papal balcony. This is how the Catholic Church can move with the times. But in this pontificate, we won't be seeing a change of heart with regard to homosexuality, contraception, and abortion. There are absolutes that we should all adhere to in order to obey the commands of our Savior Jesus Christ.

I end by quoting the homily of Pope Benedict XVI while he was still known as Cardinal Ratzinger, for these echoed my thoughts exactly:

"How many winds of doctrine we have known in these last decades, how many ideological currents, how many modes of thought... The little ship of thought of many Christians has been not seldom agitated by this wind ― tossed by an extreme to the other: from Marxism to liberalism; from collectivism to radical individualism; from atheism to a vague religious mysticism; from agnosticism to syncretism and ways like that. Each day seven new are born arising as St. Paul said from the trickery of men, from cunning in the service of error (cf. Ephesians 4: 14). To have a clear faith, according to the Creed of the Church, comes frequently to be labeled as fundamentalism. While relativism, that which allows itself to bear "what is of every wind of doctrine", appears as a unique position at the height of contemporary times. It is constituting itself a dictatorship of relativism that recognizes nothing as definitive and that allows as the ultimate measure only one's own ego and one's own desires."

It is a pretty long but rich homily which he delivered just a few hours before he was elected as the 265th Pope. For these views alone, this brilliant theologian gets my vote. May the white smoke from the chimney and the sound of the bells ringing wildly reach heaven, as part of our joyful worship and thanksgiving, for a godly man has been named the Lord's Servant in his vineyard that is the world today.

I'm praying for you, my new pope.

Falling Again

Since some people have told me that they have found my blogs inspiring, I have oftentimes hesitated to write when my thoughts are less than holy. But then again, I have realized that by doing so, I am letting external pressures affect my freedom once more. This is my blogspot, anyway, and I can't let other people dictate upon such personal space, if there is such a thing in cyberspace.

The fact is, I prefer my life to be a Disney movie. A sister once told me that all my stories and sharings have happy endings, unlike real life. I wrote a short story about unrequited love for her just to thank her for reminding me of my escapist tendencies. Ever since I could remember, I have always been a daydreamer. It just spilled over to my writing. In my head life is always perfect. People say the right things at the right time. They live in harmonious relationships surrounded by supportive work/family environments. I get all the assurances that I need about my future. Due to fear, however, I cannot imagine real life turning out to be as perfect.

I am wary of being too happy, as I feel that anytime soon the balloon would pop. When nothing goes wrong, I come up with excuses not to stay happy. I bring out the worst case scenarios and fixate on them. So last Thursday I said I was happy. I had two answered prayers on that day, enough to bring me boundless joy. Trust this old cynical soul to forget God's goodness and choose to worry about the future. Unfortunately, therefore, I have not stayed that happy.

What are feelings, anyway? I shouldn't base my posts on how high or how low my heart has moved in a given day. I'm supposed to learn how to control my emotions once more, now that I'm going to be serving brothers and sisters outside my comfort zone.

I have flexibility issues too. There are several colors other than black and white, but I reduce everything to chewable portions. Even with my own desires for flamboyant hues, I tend to be strict and stringent. I know that I'm afraid of thinking out of the box because I might lose my way once again. I am learning to stay in a box and to dance within the confines of my own prison. There may be a flowering garden outside the box but heaven knows I am waiting for a hero to break down the walls I have created for protection.

As I do my work all night tonight, I will attempt to take a broader perspective of my predicament. I am setting myself up for bigtime disappointment but I don't know any better. All of a sudden, my faith seems too new for this. It is an area that probably needs addressing already. I am not sure if I am ready for it, though.

I would rather write about fictional characters who get everything that they want and end up in heaven, too. Sometimes life is too complicated to fit into one page.

I am Happy.

Happiness. Freedom. So this is how it feels!

Yes I'm happy and I will own this. I will remember that it's okay to be happy. I will not wake up tomorrow to a different set of circumstances. Nothing can take away the reason for my happiness. I will not let fear or anxiety or insecurity overwhelm me.

This is like finding The One true love. Well I can approximate the feeling. After knowing in my heart where I wanted to serve, I waited and waited for them to tell me that they wanted me to serve there. Now someone told me that they do want me to serve there and they wanted to, all along, it was just that proper procedure and timing and other considerations had to be observed.

It felt like finding out your crush has a crush on you. Hmm not exactly, but approximately.

It's a fulfillment of what I've been hearing for these past several months from people - something about your deepest desire meets the world's deepest need. That's how it happened to me.

I can't blog about it fully yet. But yes, I'm happy. It feels like Easter!!!

Later. :)

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Ella in Wonderland

As I closed some doors last weekend, I felt a bit saddened despite the certainty that I did the right thing. In my prolonged search for my place under the Manila sun, I have learned not to grab every job opportunity that comes my way, no matter how attractive the offer, and not to take up every mission or service that is offered to me, lest I short-change God's flock by giving less than my all and choosing second-best.

I was reminded of Alice in Wonderland and how she was not sure which door to take, and how a rabbit who kept muttering to himself served as her guide, and how she had to take drinks and eat mushrooms just to be the right size that would fit the right door.

I am in that roomful of doors and I think I have been distracted from seeing the right door. So eager to get through the uncertainty and reach my destination, I alternately shrunk and bloated my expectations in order to fit the new doors that surrounded me. No wonder I got lost. I need a guide, and my guide is not a rabbit!

When I was starting this journey of self-discovery, the Lord clearly told me, "See, I am sending an angel before you, to guard you on the way and bring you to the place I have prepared. Be attentive to him, and heed his voice." Exodus 23:20-21. That has been one of my reassurances for the past few months. I tried to look for the angel. I tried to pay more attention to people with angelic-sounding names, but so far God had not sent a Raphael, Michael or Gabriel my way.

Perhaps my messenger just looks like an angel! That's it. :)

I'm trying to make light of a very serious situation. The next mushroom I eat could be addicting, or even worse, poisonous. I need to recognize my angel before it's too late.

I have never been prouder to be a Roman Catholic! Pope John Paul II's funeral mass, broadcast live throughout the world, gave me goosebumps. It was a Catholic, universal, mass and I felt God's embrace for the whole world right there! What do I know, for I am a simple Filipina with no knowledge of politics, but the sight of all the political and religious leaders on earth sitting side by side was enough to remind me that there is One God and He, through His servant JPII, loves His entire creation, without exception. Praying the Our Father was an awesome experience, as I shared it with millions around the world. Having the media focus on the beautiful tradition of the Church made me so happy, too. I cannot express how I feel. I thank Pope John Paul II for this wonderful gift, indeed the title of greatness is so fitting, and I would pray that you would become a saint soon! I thank God for calling me to be a Catholic at this time, in the Philippines where we are called to proclaim His message to our neighbors. I thank God for giving me hope through the events starting from Easter. There may be some confusion in my little world, but when I see that one man can make a difference, and One God is in control, I find peace. If this sounds like rambling, well, it is.  

Looking for Inspiration

I need motivation!!! I'm so unproductive and I just stare at the ten cases on my desk, six folders from my writing sideline, turnover documents for Lingkod QC, research materials about JP II for our parish youth, wedding and balikbayan arrangements for my family, renovation ideas for my room, garage sale items to be identified from my closets, etc. etc... and here I am just wasting time in front of the computer again.

I welcome all kinds of distraction - invitations to the beach, news items about makeup and perfume sales, email and text messages that are not urgent anyway, and CNN/BBC/EWTN coverages of all roads leading to Rome.

I am a girl without focus once again. Where did my heart go? All that passion that I've been known for is now gone.

I like to daydream - about a clear desk, a day on the beach, a paycheck I can spend in its entirety, and a bedroom I could move freely in. Oh, where to get the inspiration to do the hard work in order to reap those fruits I dream about.

What would it take for me to sit down and plow through my To Do List inch by inch? A miracle? An answered prayer? A blessing?

I am waiting for something. Or someone. Yet, whether or not my circumstances change, I am running out of time. The world keeps on turning even if I hide from it!

Lord, I pray for inspiration, in whatever form you wish to send it to me. I would really appreciate it. :)

My Waiting Soul

In October of 2004, He told me to take nothing for my journey. But I was stubborn. Thus began a long battle against what was obviously an urgent call from the Lord to serve and follow Him.

I had assessed my fears and attachments, and yet at the end of the discernment, I still let those fears and attachments hinder me from joyfully anticipating the day of dawning for my mission.

He is asking me to wait now: for a decision upon which I do not desire to hinge my future, but which is important nonetheless; for a person who has more control over my situation than I would like anyone to have, simply because he is my leader. Who likes waiting? Who likes submitting? And yet into these two boiling cauldrons I am dipped and soaked so that when the right time comes, I would be ready for the purpose that God has for me.

Oh stubborn, impatient, and rebellious soul, surrender to The One Who Loves you. The Joy of Easter is just a breath away.

Singing as a Distraction

I Know Him By Heart
written by Paul Williams and Jon Vezner
performed by Vonda Shepard

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be
'Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart

No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

John Paul II, I Love You

Holy Father, I know you are home with our Heavenly Father. I just can't help these feelings of loss and sadness. It is Easter and I will rejoice at the Lord's greatness manifested through you. Thank you for being my shepherd for the past 26 years. John Paul II, we love you!