Friday, April 22, 2005

How Ella Got Her Groove Back

I am doing things I never imagined I would and I feel I'm stepping closer towards my own resurrection.

I wrote about turning down job offers which to the normal lawyer would have appeared to be good opportunities. Sometime ago, however, it had already been established that I am not normal. And then I got an opportunity to do mission/volunteer work with a promise of the minimum wage and I almost spoke in tongues involuntarily, out of sheer joy.

My parents know. My boss now knows. I can breathe more freely nowadays. In just a couple more months, I would set aside my lawyer's hat and try to serve the Lord full-time. It was a product of several months of pruning, testing and stretching. Discernment took on various forms - from a mere "process of yielding" (this blog's previous title) to heavy "lessons in waiting" (the current title). I had no idea what was in store for me. Listening to my heart, I knew that my heavenly Father was calling me to serve Him but to be a missionary without a mission was a vast exposure to frustration.

This afternoon, I talked to my boss and explained to her why I would have to move on after three years. At first I couldn't tell if her smile meant that she was indifferent or if she was in denial that I was saying goodbye. I am just thankful that we had a blessed conversation. We reiterated that she would still be my ninang whenever, if ever, I get married. She said I could come back to work for her anytime. Those were the magic words that I needed to hear, even though I knew for sure that I was doing this major career shift very soon. I didn't want to burn bridges because she had been very influential and inspiring for the duration of our working relationship. Her motherly instincts showed when she told me that because she came from the old school and a past generation where women didn't have these kinds of opportunities to serve as I had, she could not understand what I was going to do. Yet she knew she had no choice but to let me go and to be happy for me, as long as I was certain that this was what I wanted to do.

Months of agony are slowly coming to an end. I may be in for new challenges but the knowledge that God had prepared me for them makes me freer to focus on the joy and peace that came with this development in my journey.

There are still job descriptions that need defining and sources of income that need discovering. There are cases to finish and documents to turnover. I am likewise in the middle of transition in our branch, Lingkod QC. My brother's getting married and working in Germany starting in June. I will be the unica hija, the only daughter and the only child out of five to stay under the same roof with my parents.

These are things I would never have thought would happen to me all at the same time. I know, therefore, that I am surviving because of God's grace. The Great Architect of my life is in charge and even though I may feel shaken and stirred at times, I have reason to stand firm and to stand tall.

There IS a plan for all of us, beyond our imaginations, beyond the little boxes we like to live in. I am thankful for the opportunity to be stretched, pruned and tested. It makes the fruit that all these would bear so much sweeter.

To be loved, to be loved, to be truly, truly loved. That's what makes my heart sing and dance. Such love is here.

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