Saturday, May 28, 2005

Change of Seasons and a Season of Change

The rainy season has come, and they say that it came on time this year. I am so glad that the dry season is over because our Meralco bills are at a record high, with one month's bill overtaking the previous one's. Migraines and splitting headaches have been more prevalent in the city due to the intense humidity. I'm thankful we survived the El Nino months. I will miss the beach but not the heat.

Changes are also taking place all around me. People are moving on, moving up, moving backward and moving forward. I myself am in the midst of several changes taking place in rapid succession. On my own, I cannot handle their effects, but with God's grace, I hope to survive this. Things would fall into place at His appointed time.

I am on top of some of the changes, while with the others I am simply learning to cope. I am helpless and clueless as to a whole lot of things. God is teaching me to fix my eyes on Him alone and to be grateful for His blessings despite things being so out of my control. I feel indifference, excitement, anxiety, worry, and frustration in my family, career, and service. I pray my strength won't fail.

I also had a spiritual dry season for some time. I found myself in various states of distress in the recent past. I only felt my prayer life picking up during the last few days. I kept my conversation with God ongoing, but I've had better days, when I felt that I was so attuned and connected to God. For several weeks, however, I seemed to have slowly stagnated. Aside from my IQ being endangered by constant texting and e-mailing for several years, I felt I had also stopped growing in the things I used to experience amazing advances in.

Now I'm back hungering for growth and dynamism as a Christian. I want to study Scripture, pastoral care, Cathecism, or related topics. I need to equip myself more, for I cannot share what I do not have. I remembered all the unread books on my bedside table and all the journals I received as gifts but have remained blank due to writer's block. I have an untouched guitar which I bought impulsively when I had a huge argument with one of my best friends. I have, to date, not practiced the piano.

Perhaps my remaining workload as a lawyer is holding me back. I have to finish these cases before I can claim some rest and then start a new life. I might have been postponing my own creativity and happiness. I do not know what I am waiting for. In prayer, I heard the Lord's command to sing praises, dance, and make music. I can do these things regardless of the people I am with, the work I am doing, or the places I find myself at, for God deserves praise and worship despite how I feel and what the circumstances around me are.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits for Him. May I learn to be productive while waiting.

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