Thursday, May 05, 2005

Familiar Patterns

The essence of spiritual direction is to be able to view life from the perspective of faith, and so I was told. Through constant dialogue with my SD, I will be able to ask the question, "What is God telling me with all that's been happening in my life?" Notice that the goal is not to find the answers immediately, but to ask, to seek, to search.

Ever since I started asking that question and preparing myself to attempt to answer it in front of my SD, I have tried to dig deeper into the why's of things. I still have the tendency, however, to ignore that question and to go through life as if what I see is all that there is to it. Sometimes, it helps me get a looser grip on things and thus let go of attachments. Sometimes, it helps me enjoy my blessings more without the need to over-analyze everything.

It has happened too that just when I am surrounded by people and events, I would suddenly feel the need to withdraw into my inner self and to listen to that still voice within telling me to slow down.

I have been disturbed once more. I have tried to go to Mass daily this week in order to hear God speak to me even beyond my regular prayer time. I have sought an appointment with my SD whom I have not seen for two months now. The last time we saw each other, she saw me in distress. I have only updated her through text about recent developments but that does not seem to count. I need to verbalize all these and to see her, in person.

God has not stopped working in my life even though I have put off many things already. He is being God, and I am being me. Why do I know that I will find myself on my knees begging for mercy once more after the dust has settled?

After my brother gets married and I am left at home with our parents.
After my resignation takes effect and I stop practicing my profession.
After my service in QC ends and I start venturing beyond my comfort zone.

Life as I know it is about to change and I may be focusing on the trivial things rather than on what's important. I think I am consciously distracting myself. It is easier to think about my outfit for my brother's wedding than what it means for our family. It is easier to plan my sisters' and relatives grand pagbabalik-bayan than to think about the silence afterwards. It is easier to turnover work and plan my despedida than to wonder if I would miss it, after all. It is easier to count all the things I could now do after being a 24/7 QT for almost six years now than to face the reality of not being the same person to this community.

I am like the pilgrim in the song, wondering who I shall meet at the bend of the road, whether it is a friend or a ghost I left behind. Make that ghosts. I have a lot of those.

I pray that I could look at God's work in my life with kinder eyes. I hope to see how He has transformed me already and that even if I seem to be moving in circles, I am actually traversing a spiral, with heaven as the ultimate goal.

There is fear and yet there is hope. May the latter outweigh the former, and may I learn to wait.

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