Thursday, June 23, 2005

Excerpts from My Journal - Day One

What, no blog entries for almost a week? This student of waiting went on a three-day personal retreat at the Cenacle under the direction and guidance of Sr. Susay Valdez, rc, my SD for almost two years now.

Monday June 20, 2005 2:50 p.m.

I had a restful day here at the Cenacle. I went to this retreat to pray my goodbyes. I also plan to lay my future at the foot of the Cross. I'm excited to serve God full-time, but what does it really mean? How do I live simply? How do I eliminate stress and pressure when they are deeply ingrained in my system? How do I become a brighter, more consistent light?
What does it mean, Lord, when you say you love me? How do you want to use me? How do I adjust to this new life? How could I best serve you? How do I receive and give love?

5:30 p.m.

When I opened the First Reading for Mass today, You led me to Abram's call! I heard the very same call when I first visited the Cenacle three years ago. Back then I was just discerning to become BWM. What struck me then, and still strikes me now, are the lines about leaving "my father's house" and the promise of being a blessing to communities. This is my mission - to dwell in Your courts and to be a laborer in Your vineyard. To please you, my Father in heaven, to be intimate friends with Your Son, and to lead others closer to You by the power of Your Holy Spirit.

8:50 p.m.

Sr. Susay asked me to examine myself. How am I physically? Tired and in need of rest. My whole body hurts. I have neglected my health. Emotionally, I am a lot better now than in the past few weeks. The external pressures to please people are now gone. Perhaps because I'm on retreat and they're not with me now. Spiritually, I desire to grow - in knowledge, experience, training, and wisdom. I desire to be a more peaceful person to be with, and I know I can only achieve this through greater intimacy with the Lord. Admittedly, I have allowed myself to be distracted in the past year as a way of coping with my challenges. Now I know that I can only attain peace through Christ. I have found my calling.

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