Thursday, September 08, 2005

Struggles, Struggles, So Often, So Soon

Is it just me or have I reached the point of "insecure dis-orientation", as described by Menchie Rojas, a woman of wisdom not unlike Yoda in stature at the Institute of Pastoral Development?

It seems like my days of "secure orientation" have ended. At that state, a person is full of hope, gratitude, passion, and peace. I felt that my time in such period was so brief. Now what Jesus said about God being the vine-grower who prunes even those branches that do bear fruit, seems to be coming to pass. My decisions are being challenged, my priorities are being shaken. Broken, imperfect and weak me needs grace in order to make it through this. I do not like to have to go through this. Take me back to Paris.

The pruning hurts no matter how "forewarned" I have been. Mentors and spiritual directors have said that I would face further questions and tests in life, and I said I would willingly embrace them all. Here I am being pruned and I'm not enjoying it one bit. For one thing, I can't sit still, so I'm inflicting more wounds on myself than are necessary. Furthermore, I am stubborn and unyielding. Pride has so crept up in my heart like a tenacious weed that I have difficulty in loving these days. I no longer work for the courts yet I still tend to think like a judge, feeling like I have the last say in every situation, even if the "decision/resolution" is just formed in my head.

Impatience has developed out of such pride, so much so that the I struggle, and wiggle, and wobble, in relating to others who do not follow the same rhythm that I have been used to. People who were raised and made differently from me are now my source of holiness, and this is where I'm being tested. As a Christian, as a servant, as a daughter of the heavenly Father, how do I respond to this? I have a textbook, formula answer, but the practical aspect is where my grade would be based from.

Lord, enlarge my heart. Give me your mind so that I may handle emotions and channel them properly to productive ends. Allow me to hope that relationships which do not seem to take off right now would someday be part of my treasure. Teach me to be patient of others who, like me, are just trying to give their best in everything.

Finally, Lord, take me to the point of peaceful re-orientation.

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