Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm Being Stubborn Again

Off-topic.  Hmm as if this blog ever had a definite scope and limitation.  

Lately I have been playing hide-and-seek with God.  He seems to have remembered that I have scrapes, bruises and wounds that have accumulated over the years.  I thought he forgot about them already as I had carefully applied concealer over them.  Who likes to dwell on the past anyway?  I thought He wanted me to move on.

All was going well for me then, except for the relative tiredness in my new job – it’s different when you work at something with all your heart all the time, as it could get exhausting – until I recognized the almost daily invitation during my prayer time to look deeper into some areas in my growing up years that I’d rather forget.  

It was Jesus who was inviting, so I should not fear Him.  But just like a child who refuses to let her father touch her wounds after she made a bad fall, I did not want to show Jesus my deepest pains anymore.  I grew tired of them already.

I talked these out with a priest.  He said I was letting Jesus down by giving up.  What if the invitation is for my complete healing, on top of the forgiveness I thought I already gave before, on top of the understanding and acceptance I thought I already mustered before?  I know it’s not just me but human nature to want to cover up, using layer upon layer, through the years.

The parts of me that I had forgotten through all the masks I had built even as I served God are catching up somehow.  

I thought I was ok.  I don’t like to be X-rayed this much by my God.  I know He’d find the water in my lungs.

Lord, I pray for the grace to truly hope in You even in the most painful of memories, the toughest of insecurities, and the deepest of wounds that I have carried inside me.  I don’t even know where to begin to ask for help for this.  You alone could see through me.  You alone could like what you would see. And you alone could heal me.  

I trust that You agree that Merthiolate has been banned already ha.

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