Wednesday, November 09, 2005

When I'm Real and Unlikable

People who regularly come here looking for something to read have been fairly disappointed probably because I have been unable to write down anything coherent in the last few days.  Even my latest entries have fallen short of the standard I had wanted to set for this blog.

I can’t help it if my brain is not working properly.  And it’s not because I’m overworked.  Most of the things in my head right now do not deserve to see print.  I dare not publish my thoughts for the blogging world to see.

I thought maybe I could just write about the lack of anything substantial to write.  I’m editing my own life because I know that its less than perfect moments won’t always glorify the Lord, especially when I’m not in the right condition to express myself clearly.  This blog is not a mask meant to project a happy, blessed life and to screen the ugliness that often creeps in through the cracks that I had not foreseen. I just want to be more careful about what I write lest I reveal too much, offend some people, or waste other people’s time.

I wanted to become the kind of person who was more grateful, positive, and cheerful.  Well change doesn’t come overnight.  Just this morning, as I was battling with my blues, I noticed something while driving along Commonwealth on my way to work.  I saw huge cumulus clouds splashed across an unmistakably blue sky.  I froze in my thoughts, though not in my driving as I couldn’t make a sudden halt in the middle of the road.

Before I could wallow too much in self-pity, worry, guilt and regret, God showed me something beautiful.  Right in front of me, the clouds seemed like cotton, just the way I wanted them.  I had to pause and thank my Maker for moments like that.  I also had to pray to be more sensitive to the beauty around me.

  • Why is counting my blessings such an effort?

  • Why am I not bothered enough that that work is piling up and time is running out?

  • Why do I habitually waste my time on stupid questions?  I should exert more effort to rise above this bout of stupidity.

  1. I’m leaving with my parents to attend my sister’s graduation in Phoenix, Arizona next week.  Our youngest, Melissa, has earned her Ph.D. in Molecular and Cellular Biology.  That is something to be thankful, cheerful and grateful for!

  1. My relatives are waiting to celebrate Thanksgiving and my father’s 70th birthday with me.  They will tour me around L.A., the bay area, and the Grand Canyon.  I won’t be spending a single centavo.  I’m a lucky girl.

  1. The fundraiser of Lingkod and Ligaya, the golf tournament, was a huge success in terms of sponsor support, player turnout, and raffle prizes.  I emceed the program and even sang a couple of songs.  My parents could not believe why people kept asking me to be emcee and to sing.  They thought I just volunteered for those things.  Of course I didn’t.  I had stage fright and felt like a frog was leaping from my stomach to my throat the whole day yesterday!  It was my first time at Alabang Country Club!  Ligaya and Lingkod people were there, not to mention three of my former bosses in the law firm!  I absolutely did not volunteer to humiliate myself.  It was through grace that I survived.  I’m thankful, Lord.

  1. While I was sick I had people fussing over me and checking up on me.  I should be thankful for that, instead of resenting the attention and the fuss.  If those people could read this they would probably want to take back the love that they had given me.

  1. Love is all around me.  Really.  Despite the rotten feeling I carry inside me most of the time these days, God still loves me, blesses me, and sends me people to share that love with.

  1. I can move on from this.  That knowledge gives me hope.  I could be healed of the memories I can’t shut out.  I could move on from the oldest of wounds and become a better person out of this.  God did not bother me through the topics at the NLTC and the books I have been reading just because He wants me to be miserable.  I just need to cooperate and stop being stubborn.

Lord, you said that you could make all things new.  I know you won’t just put me back together again til I’m “as good as new”.  I believe you when you said that you would make me even better, for the old has gone and the new has come.  I believe that I can be a new creation.  I believe, despite my heart’s opposition to what my mind is saying right now.

People who don’t like to read other people’s less than presentable musings could go and hop to the next blog.  I won’t pretend to be Ms. Sunshine for a while.

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