For Such is Life

Friends texted me if I wanted to talk. No, I did not want to talk. Instead, I played with my nephews and slept away the afternoon. Fifteen minutes before 6 p.m., I willed myself to get up and go to mass.

As I walked to church, I felt heaviness in my heart. Apparently I did not succeed in sleeping away that particular piece of news that I absorbed the night before. It demanded attention but I refused to give it air time. I felt it was not worth my precious time to dwell about.

Five minutes into the mass, however, I started to yearn for Jesus’ answers. I thought I had created an impenetrable wall around my heart against any pain, any memory, and any news that would threaten the promises of the coming year. I thought I heard Him say “Be on your way to healing” the day before, at the Oasis of Prayer in Tagaytay. I was excited, recharged, and full of hope for the near future.

So why was I letting old fears get to me again? Yeshua, are you listening? I’m sorry if I’m not as strong as I wanted to be. And right there in the middle of our sub-parish, I felt hot tears welling up inside me. The child in front of me started to stare. I tried the trick that Lysa taught me from her Viva acting class, to look up, wait til the tears go back to where they came from, look down again and smile.

During Consecration, I started to beg. Dear Lord, if this is your will for me, grant me the grace to handle this without bitterness. Remind me of how blessed I am truly. I reached a point of asking the Lord to take me now so I don’t have to face this twilight zone.

I lined up for communion. The choir started to sing:

Huwag Kang Mangamba
Fr. Manoling Francisco, SJ

Huwag kang mangamba, 'di ka nag-iisa
Sasamahan kita, saan man magpunta
Ika'y mahalaga sa 'King mga mata
Minamahal kita, minamahal kita

Tinawag kita sa 'yong pangalan
Ikaw ay Akin magpakailanman
Ako ang Panginoon mo at Diyos
Tapagligtas mo at Tagatubos

Sa tubig kita'y sasagipin
Sa apoy ililigtas man din
Ako ang Panginoon mo at Diyos
Tapagligtas mo at Tagatubos

Huwag kang mangamba, 'di ka nag-iisa
Sasamahan kita, saan man magpunta
Ika'y mahalaga sa 'King mga mata
Minamahal kita, minamahal kita

And just like that, I felt God speaking to me from Isaiah 43. The promise, I remembered, was not that I will have a perfect life, but that while I am in this dark world I will never be alone. My God will walk with me. He knows what I am going through.

I knelt down to quietly submit to His will, admitting that indeed God’s love is there despite this minor setback. Before the final blessing, Fr. Geoffrey invited those who wanted to be prayed over as Jesus’ disciples to come forward. I don't remember him doing that before in the years that I have known him. I was among the first to stand and I prayed for strength to follow Jesus despite the difficulties around me. When I looked behind me, almost the entire congregation was on its feet, waiting for the prayer, the blessing and the holy water that would give the grace to live with joy and hope.

I thanked Fr. Geoffrey for the prayer after mass and told him briefly what I was going through. He told me what I heard from Jesus earlier, “I know how it feels.”

There is nothing to talk about. It is enough to know that Someone knows and that His love is bigger than this. As the song goes, I shall not be afraid. The Lord is with me wherever I go. Even as I go through sadness, depression, and loneliness so early into the year and so soon after the vacation that brought me so much happiness.

C’est la vie.